Hi, my name is NotAiden and I am a shopaholic.

I.  Love.  Clothes.  Always have, I just love matching textures and colours and creating a unique outfit.  However, when I came out I had no idea about how to build a professional man’s wardrobe.  Professional woman sure, but man?  Don’t you just throw on a button shirt and coat and be done with it?  Besides, I could never wear any of that tailored stuff, my boobs would show!  For years I stuck with a slightly modified version of the traditional transman uniform: polo shirt, jeans, sneakers.  My polo was plain coloured and worn tighter than any self-respecting straight boy would consider, my jeans were hip huggers, and my sneakers had never seen athletic work of any kind, but I still dressed like a college kid.  Just a gay college kid.

Then I started working in a place that absolutely, 100% required dress shirt and slacks.  I cannot begin to tell you how bad I looked.  Bright shirts in a way that screamed “send me back to the 80s!” instead of the “yeah, I’m gay, so what?” look I was going for.  A couple of years after that and I’m suddenly giving presentations to new grads about how to dress professionally.  How on earth did I get here?  I have no idea, but while I was talking to all these guys who aren’t that much younger than me I realised that a lot of what I was saying would be useful to trans guys — particularly those of us who are in professional environments or about to be.  College kids and those of you in more creative fields can ignore this, your dress rules are different.

Let’s start with the basics.  All of these are a bit boring and will probably make most of you go “but I want to express myself!”  Don’t worry, they’re just the foundation.  Once you have these taken care of you can start adding pieces that are trendy or unique.

First up: a basic white dress shirt.  Yes, it’s dull.  It’s also classic.  Every guy needs a white cotton dress shirt in his closet.  Why?  So that when the great guy your best friend set you up with says he’s made reservations at a restaurant that has a dress code (and is WAY out of your price range) you don’t have to run out and hope you find one at 3AM.

Details: Plain white cotton.  No polyester or silk, no peaking, no button down collars, no stripes, nothing.  You want this to be so basic that you barely even notice it.  That way it goes with everything.  Cuff type is up to you, but I recommend standard button because that way it can be paired with a sweater.  I love French cuffs (cuff links = more accessories) so I have two versions of this with different cuffs.  The button cuff is for sweaters and slightly more traditional events, the French cuff is for everything else.

Fit: See this picture?  It’s perfect.  If you’re slim and post-top or really small chested, go ahead and get yours a bit tighter.  Just be aware that you may need to replace it more quickly than you’d like, especially if you’re currently pre-T.  Do NOT buy a shirt that you can “grow into”.  We’re not children any more, our clothes should fit properly.  There is very little that looks more sloppy than a grown man in a dress shirt a size too large for him.  Other major don’t: NEVER wear this shirt untucked.  Jeans, khakis, dress slacks, doesn’t matter.  Tuck in your shirt.

What are you wearing with that shirt?  A pair of flat front grey trousers.  Not jeans (not for that expensive restaurant anyway), not black trousers, certainly not shorts.  Why not black?  It’s not versatile enough and too formal for many occasions.  Grey can go from business casual to formal and be paired with brown and navy, you can’t do that with black.

Details: Flat front.  Slate to charcoal (yes, those are different colours).  Lightweight wool.  No cuff unless you’re tall.  This is another item that you barely notice.  If after you’ve been on T a few years (or if you’re not planning on starting T in the near future) you find a brand that fits well and comes in several different shades of grey I suggest snatching them all up at once.  A good pair of dress trousers is worth gold, especially in the pre-T years when you’re trying to mask a female body type.

Fit: Again, look at the picture.  They’re not falling off his ass, but they’re also not so snug you can see his balls.  You want a pair that will just rest where they need to be without a belt.  Notice that this man does have a bit of hip and butt.  Not a huge amount, most of us probably have more pre-T, but he’s not a perfectly straight line either.  It’s not until you get down past his butt that his trousers shift to hanging straight down.  They’ll continue to go until they hit his ankle where they will make ONE clean crease as they connect to the top of his shoe.  If you’re not sure about length err on the side of long and find a good tailor.

Ok, you’ve got your shirt and trousers picked out, now what?  It’s spring and a bit chilly outside?  Well that’s why you have a selection of sweaters in your closet.  I like cashmere, but if you can’t afford that (I can’t always) there’s also your standard acrylic, wool, and poly-cotton blend.

Details: Single colour.  Lightweight.  Crewneck.  Have at least one grey, one black, one navy, and one brown, the other colours are up to you.  I have a HUGE selection of sweaters because they’re an easy way to change the tone of an outfit.  Spring Pride planning?  Baby pink.  Christmas dinner?  Cranberry red.  Shabbat service?  Sky blue.  Ribbing, different neck styles, and a rainbow of colours are all fine here, that’s why we’re wearing neutrals for our slacks and shirt.

Fit: Loose enough to not show odd creases over your dress shirt, but tight enough to fit nicely under a blazer.  Once again, the picture is about right (are we sensing a pattern here?).  Sleeves should still comfortably reach your wrists when your arms are extended, but not go past the crease where your thumb meets your hand.  Wear your nice shirt when you go try these on, that way you don’t come home with a bunch of wrong sizes.  (Oh, and don’t wash your cashmere sweaters, their lifespan increases drastically if you dry clean them.)

Alright, second date time.  This time you’re going somewhere a bit more casual first, maybe to a movie or nice little café in the arts district.  You don’t want to be too dressy, but you want to look nice.  This is where your jeans come in.

Details: Semi-dark wash.  Boot cut.  Bit of fading and whiskering at the hips and thighs.  Why boot cut?  It looks good on just about everyone without being too casual.  It’s classic, but also trendy, if you look at older celebrities (and by ‘older’ I mean above 25-30) you’ll notice that they mostly wear medium to dark boot cut jeans.  The fading and whiskering make them look comfortable with a t-shirt, but still dressy enough to be paired with your nice shirt.

Fit: Snug around the hips and butt, slim through the knee, loose from knee down.  There’s also a style called “relaxed boot cut” or “casual boot cut” that works very well for guys who are either thick (muscular, heavy, or big boned, doesn’t much make a difference in jeans) or gangly because it allows for a bit more room in the seat.  Should rest just below your navel, touch lower if you’re pre-T and need to mask womanly hips.  Other than that, just make sure the bottoms don’t drag on the ground when you walk.  If you’re short (like me) you can take longer jeans into your tailor and ask that that they keep the bottom seam when they’re adjusting the length.  This is another where I suggest snatching up every pair you can afford once you find a brand and size that fits well.  Jeans change so often that it can be difficult to find the right ones even a year later.

Between the jeans and white shirt you’re all set for a café, but what if after that you guys are going to see a bit of community theatre?  Jeans are a bit casual so you’ll need to dress them up with more than a shirt and sweater.  Luckily, you own a black blazer.

Details: Black.  Three button.  Lightweight wool.  Single breasted.  No pattern, stripes, obvious buttons, or other accenting.  If you want to go crazy with your other blazers go right ahead, but you should have at least one boring type in your closet.  I suggest also having a navy and a grey for different occasions, but black will dress up jeans better.  Three buttons help with that and also look good on just about everyone.

Fit: Slim, but loose enough to go over a sweater.  You want there to be just the tiniest bit of shirt peeking past the cuffs when you bend your arm.  See the picture for an idea and if you’re not sure go to a good suit/tuxedo store for a fitting.  If you’re pre-T and get funny looks pretend you’re 12 and being sent to a fancy boarding school.  (No, seriously, the conversations alone are worth it.)  Never button the bottom button, always do the middle one (when standing, when seated you unbutton it), and do the top if you like the way it looks.  Never put your coat on the back of your chair unless you plan on never resting against it.  Majority of people won’t notice, but the most posh will see it as a sign of poor breeding and it’ll put horrible wrinkles in the fabric.  If you’re warm there are coat checks for just this reason.

You’ve gone on two dates with this guy, but now you have to go away for a weekend (sorry) to see your brother get married.  Obviously you’re going to need a suit.  You don’t want black because that’s usually for funerals, it’s a spring wedding so navy is a bit dark, but tan is a bit light, and you’re certainly not going to wear white.  In comes the classic grey suit.

Details: Single breasted.  Two or three button.  Lightweight wool.  Plain as you can get.  This is the least offensive, easiest to forget suit you can find.  Presidents and Prime Ministers wear various shades of grey for a reason.  You want to look like your suit could just as easily be worn today or in 1912.  If you don’t have many reasons to wear a suit you can get a coat in the same fabric as your grey trousers instead.  If you’re going to wear suits often I suggest having at least a light and dark grey in addition to your pinstripes, blacks, navies, etc.  If you really like the dressed up look get three piece suits so you can opt for or against the vest (waistcoat to the non-Americans).

Fit: Tailored.  Go and get fitted, it’s worth the money and you usually get a discount on whatever you buy that day.  Scope out a few places first though, you want to see well dressed businessmen making up most of the clientele.  American or Euro cut is up to you, I opt for three-piece Italian because I’m a snob and American cuts make me look bulky.  Once again, never do up the last button on your coat.  On a vest it’s optional, but most people skip it so they have a bit more moving room.

These next few are largely US-centric, though I’ve seen an Englishman here and there wear them as well.  Not so much with the French and Danish guys so if you live outside the US check out your local men before buying anything.

First we have the classic khaki/light coloured chino.  These are for casual office days, family picnics, and any other time you want to be dressier than jeans, but more casual than wool.

Details: Flat front.  Light to dark tan.  I suggest a colour darker than this and closer to what you’d find at Old Navy if you’re only going to have one pair.  This light and you really don’t want to wear them pre-Easter or post-Labour Day, it looks a bit silly.

Fit: Same as your grey trousers.  You can wear these a teeny tiny bit longer than dress trousers, but I prefer to err on the side of dressy just in case I need to wear them somewhere I need to be impressive.  Just make sure they’re not too tight, khakis show off an overly-large bulge much easier than jeans and usually a bit easier than dress trousers.  You don’t want to look like you’ve got an erection at the company picnic.

A good pair of knee-length shorts are essential for most US summers and many US springs.  Hell, I needed these for a few winters in California.  Khaki is a good colour that goes with everything and can be either “dressy” (for those company picnics you don’t have an erection at) or casual.  Just please don’t wear them on your European tour, you make the rest of us look frumpy.

Details: Flat front.  Khaki, olive, or tan.  Knee-length.  The rest is all about personal preference.  I know guys who love these shorts, but I wouldn’t buy them because I like mine to look good even when they’re all crumpled because I left them in the dryer for three days.

Fit: As long as they cover your ass and come to your knees (no lower!) you’re fine.  One of the advantages to shorts is that they’re considered casual wear so there aren’t as many rules to follow.

Yes, that is the dreaded polo shirt.  I want you to notice a few things though.  It’s plain.  It’s worn without an under-shirt.  It’s well fitted.  It’s tucked in.  This is how well-dressed adult men wear their polo shirts.  The only time this rule is not applied is when the shirt is worn with casual shorts (like my rumpled ones).  You don’t wear a polo shirt with jeans therefore you never have to worry about whether or not to tuck it in.

Details: Get a black one and then pick your favourite colours.  I have a baby pink and a turquoise blue.  If you wear polo shirts more often you’ll want to get more, but my job requires dress shirt and slacks so I don’t have need for many.

Fit: Like the picture, generally.  Sleeves shouldn’t go past the elbow, stomach and chest shouldn’t stretch, and it should be long enough to tuck in.  The major exception to this is if you never need to wear one with slacks.  The only time I wear my polo shirts are when I’m also wearing shorts so mine are all fit to rest just below my belt line.

Now we move on to the finishing details: coats, shoes, belts, and one more sweater.  We’ll start with what you’re wearing with your nice grey trousers and suit: black dress shoes.

Details: Black.  Slip on.  Leather (or faux-leather if you’re vegan).  Why black?  They can be both dressy and semi-casual so you don’t have to worry about whether to wear black or brown to that dinner with your boyfriend’s boss.  The slip on is for the same reason.  These are actually a bit more formal than I would recommend for a foundation pair, but they’re just so pretty.

Fit: …You do know how to buy shoes, right?  This is one of those things that doesn’t really change based on sex.  They either fit or they don’t.  Snug enough to stay on, but loose enough that they don’t hurt your feet.  There are charts and weird measuring thingies.

Obviously you need something to keep up your trousers and suspenders/bracers went out in the 50s.  This is why you will own a basic black, leather (or faux-leather), silver buckled belt.

Details: This exact belt.  It’s so classic that you can find one at about every clothing store in the world.  I don’t care what your other belts look like, you should have at least one like this.  Why?  Because it goes with everything from your suit to your khaki shorts.  If you want one with a hidden buckle or braided leather you can get that too, but make sure you have this first.  Otherwise you’ll be trying to find a belt that doesn’t dress down your suit or dress up your jeans and end up having to make a midnight trip to Target.

Fit: It should.

If you live in a warm climate you can ignore this one.  For the rest of us, this is an example of an appropriate coat to go with your suit and/or dress trousers.   It’s warm, it’s classy, it goes with jeans as well as slacks, it won’t be out of style by next winter.

Details: Black.  Wool.  No embellishments, fancy buttons, or anything else that would make it stand out.  You want a coat that’s easy to mistake for someone else’s when you’re grabbing it off the rack.  I always opt for a peacoat because I think they look cool and I have the long arms and legs to pull it off.  Most shorter guys will want to go with a single breasted option, same with wider guys.  If you’re tall and lean you can get away with most anything.

Fit: Large enough to go over a suit coat, but slim enough so you don’t look like you stole it from a 300 pound sailor.  Like everything else, the picture is a great example.

For the times when you want to dress down your jeans and khakis or dress up your shorts you’ll want a pair of brown athletic oxfords.  They’re nicer than sneakers, but more casual than your dress shoes.  And if you need to you can run a heck of a lot faster in them.

Details: Brown.  Versatile.  Lace-up.  You want these to be able to go from a Saturday morning meeting to your niece’s soccer game without looking out of place.  I just bought myself this exact pair, but if you want to go even more versatile you could get something more like these.  Still casual enough for jeans, khakis, and most shorts, but you could also wear them to dress down your grey trousers (but not your suit!) which isn’t something you could easily do with the shoes pictured.

Fit: They’re shoes.  They should fit like shoes.  One special note though: if you’re wearing these with a belt the belt should be brown.  Always match your shoes and belt.  It’s one of those stupid little rules that people notice subconsciously.

Other things you should have, but lack real “rules”:

• Sandals to wear with your shorts.  Not Birkenstocks or the cheap, plastic and foam things you get at the dollar store.  Grown man sandals.  Leather/faux-leather, brown, and dressy enough to wear to company barbeque.  I opt for a more boat shoe style because I always manage to lose them if there’s not a strap in the back, but go with what makes you comfortable.
• Swim trunks.  If you’re pre-top add a rash guard as well.  If you just want a classic type that blends in go with a solid coloured pair that hits near the knee.  If you’re me and you like freaking out the HRC crowd you can get a hot pink, glittery booty short style.
• Casual sweaters.  Note that I said sweaters, not hoodies.  You want something that’ll look appropriate with your dress slacks and khakis.  No, college and/or team sweatshirts do not count.  I prefer military styles in grey and navy, other guys like cable knits and fisherman sweaters.
• Whatever it is you want to wear for lounging around your house on the weekends.  I am a complete and total slob when I don’t have to leave my apartment.  I will spend all weekend in my underwear if I can get away with it.

And the final rule: break the rules.  These are just basics, they should take up a teeny tiny portion of your closet.  I have pinstripe suits, button shirts with graphic designs, belts made from silk ties, and a million other things that wouldn’t be put on here because they’re trendy and artistic instead of timeless and classic.  I rarely wear my polo shirts or shorts and I don’t even own a pair of khakis because my job and home life don’t give me reasons to.  However, I wear black dress shirts with some sort of embellishment almost every day for work.  Use this as a barometer instead of checklist.

Three gay FTM old-timers have gathered the following tips that might help you to become part of the gay community.

Personality and Dress

• While you may feel the need to play with your masculinity and put on personas while you figure things out, please use an editing eye. For instance, say you like having a big bulge. Instead of going for the biggest one in the store, take it back a notch and get a medium-sized one to start. Same goes with other things like mannerisms. Perhaps you still sing-song like a typical woman and you’d like to start “speaking like a man”. Well, you could make your voice super monotonous and lacking of any emotion (how boring!), or you could find a balance between expressing yourself and embodying a stereotype of a man. You get to choose, so do it wisely.
• If you must wear baggy clothes to feel comfortable during the early stages of transition, please do not continue after starting T. Your body shape will change, the hips will disappear (for the most part) and guys pants will start to fit well. This is when you need to update your wardrobe. This ties into learning to feel right in your body after so many years of hating it, so you must unlearn your old habits of dress. Start watching how men wear their clothes – you’ll start to see that looking like a 15 year old boy isn’t really that attractive. Find your own style.
• Don’t use gay men as something of a guinea pig for your experiments with masculinity. While it is ok to be adventurous and curious about sex, it is not ok to be so while looking down on or being disgusted by the people that you date.
• Don’t become a caricature of a gay man. You are not required to swish, squeal, giggle and wiggle but if you do, just make it your own and not copy your mannerisms from other people. Be natural and let the gay man inside come out but don’t force it.
• You will try things on that don’t fit and some that do. If you’ve tried X and you find you don’t like it, then don’t do it, regardless of how many trans men have told you that you must do X in order to pass. If you like Y and every trans man you’ve met has told you to never do Y in order to pass, then keep doing it. Courage of conviction is a must when you are in the early stages – you must stick to your guns and believe you are who you say you are despite many others trying to convince you otherwise. And whenever someone says that you will only pass if you do X, Y, or Z is simplifying the entire process and leaving out the most important part – your happiness.
• It doesn’t hurt to be creative in dress and hairstyle. Be delicious.

Social Aspects

• Forget what you learned about gay men from the media and start learning from actual gay men.
• Recognize the diversity of gay men, because they’re not all the same, just as not all trans men are the same.
• Don’t throw slurs around until you know which ones are being reclaimed/used in your particular area.
• Do not mock gay men and/or gay culture.  Most guys don’t mean to do this, but it’s the one that’s likely to piss people off the most — and alienate you from any stealth trans guys who may be watching. Do NOT make fun of anyone until you are close enough that everyone knows it’s friendly. Don’t make gay jokes, don’t whine about Peter Pan syndrome or immature queens, don’t suddenly start acting like Kurt from Glee when really you’re more like Artie. It’s a vastly annoying phase that many guys (cis or trans) go through and the more you can avoid it the better.
• When you go to a new gay male place, just stay in the background for a while, and learn how people are behaving.  There are lots of rituals, the way people flirt and make contact. Make friends, get to know people.  If you behave well and people know and like you, gay men will approach you easily, often even when you are not passing yet. Men are easy to understand and easy to have, not like with women.
• Remember that gay men are independent and much less group-oriented than women/lesbians are.  Men don’t control each other the way women do.  They don’t do the telepathy/empathy thing.   When a man says something, it is implied that he says it only about himself.  Never expect that he will check in if he might somehow hurt you with what he says, because he is only speaking about himself.
• Be entertaining and friendly. Many gay guys make an art of being a good conversationalist, and good manners are certainly something that will endear you to people. Be funny, or if you can’t, be kind.
• Gay men actually like men. As in, really like them – not just men’s bodies, but men’s culture, men’s ways of relating to each other, the way men smell and taste and sound. A certain amount of misandry is tolerated among lesbians and the genderqueer types, and even among straight women, and it’s easy to soak that up, but gay men can smell it and it turns them off (even as potential friends) before you even open your mouth.
• Don’t act like you’ve figured out how to be a man that is somehow how better than the versions you see from cis men. You’re not going to earn any friends that way and you certainly won’t get laid if you complain about all the misogyny and sexism you see. Cis gays are real people and they deserve respect, even if that means biting your tongue at times. Pick your battles. If you must call someone out for misogyny or sexism, do it in a funny or polite manner – they are your potential friends and mates, not pawns of the enemy.
• If you have trouble finding your place, don’t fret, you just haven’t met the right people yet.

Sex

• Know yourself and know what you want/don’t want. When you want something, you have to take care of it yourself.  Don’t expect that your partner will somehow think for you.  You have to be outspoken at all times.  Say no and say yes immediately.  A guy will never sense that something is wrong with you, because he expects that you take responsibility for your boundaries and needs, just as he is taking for his own.  Be outspoken about it without being bitchy.
• Socialize with cis men as friends before you try to date or sleep with them. If you can’t get along as one of the guys, figure out the problem before you start trying to bring a sexual element into it. Straight women can get laid with guys they don’t like and can’t relate to (usually with guys who similarly don’t like and can’t relate to girls), but gay men expect at least a little bit of common ground, even the ones looking for NSA (no strings attached) stuff.
• Don’t be too aggressive and not take no for an answer. Shrug the rejection off and move on to the next guy.  There will be guys that don’t feel comfortable sleeping with trans man and you must accept this.
• Don’t cry transphobia for everything – no one likes to be called a douchebag for no reason. This is especially true when getting turned down for sex, it’s not always because we’re trans. “Not my type” encompasses everything from clothes to hair to height to genitals to sexual interests. I know I’ve turned down trans guys for reasons unrelated to their crotch, cis gay guys should have that option too.
• Don’t be grossed out by stuff. If it isn’t your piece of cake, just leave. There are other places. Don’t give people the feeling that they are perverted or something.
• Don’t go into a gay male back room with a group of early transition FTM, (esp. when the guys who are in there have known you as a lesbian for years) and demand that they have sex with you. If the guys feel uneasy about it, don’t call them transphobic – that won’t enhance your chances to fuck them.

Bonus material:

Norah Vincent talks about her experiences with passing in straight male communities:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5171860

Written by ShipofFools, Kian and Not Aiden.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.  (Except where they do…gotta love group efforts.)

Ever since I was a little trans boy living as a girl, I’ve felt the need to protect the girls and women in my life from those who are abusive.  Perhaps it was my childhood environment that led to this – I grew up in a dirt-poor, “white-trash” household with a distant mother, a sister who was sexually abused, and an estranged father.  I didn’t know love, affection, respect, boundaries, discipline, and feminism.  Life was hard and women were treated the worst.

Lucky for me, I was a very strong “girl” – I could beat any boy in the class at arm wrestling, sprinting or basically anything to do with strength.  I was very rough and tumble and was often referred to as a tomboy because I was so dominant and refused to wear dresses.  I don’t bring this up to brag, in fact, I hated standing out that much, regardless of how much I actually used my talents.  You see, I am a gentle soul – I am very sensitive, highly anxious, and slightly autistic.  I’m also extremely protective of what I hold dear – perhaps a reaction to my childhood – which directs my attention toward people who get treated unfairly, usually women  I’ve never fit in myself, so when I see injustice, I feel the need to stop it.

When I was young, my version of stopping injustice involved beating the perpetrator up.  Sure, I wouldn’t recommend it, but at the time, it seemed appropriate.  If the boys decided it was “Friday Flip Up Day”, in which they hassled the girls who were wearing skirts, I patrolled the area where my friends were hanging out at recess.  This is not an exaggeration.  My first fight involved me punching a boy who tried to kiss my friend on the cheek and then chased her when she refused – this was in 1st grade.  At recess I stood guard always making sure that my friends didn’t have to worry about what they boys were up to.  For my work, I was rewarded with loyal friends and boys who hated me for humiliating them.  To me, it was a fair trade-off and I continued until I could no longer fend the boys off (about sixth grade).  [I would like to point out that I was never officially punished. In fact, many of my teachers thought it was awesome.]

To this day, I abhor sexism and the insidious ways that it keeps women and girls in their place and elevates men who don’t deserve the praise.  I became an official feminist in college, although it never became my field of study (I prefer math and science), but I definitely dabbled and had friends who were also ardent feminists.  They taught me a lot of what they learned in classes and I appreciated the knowledge.  This knowledge led me to all sorts of places and perhaps the most important – accepting my transsexuality.  When I came out to my friends, I was under the erroneous assumption that they would accept it as well, but I was wrong.  They didn’t understand, they refused to talk about feminism anymore, they called me a traitor, they stopped calling.  I felt betrayed, cast away, discarded.    Often I wondered how much is due to the underlying anti-trans sentiments of some feminist arguments or to the ingrained transphobia in our culture.  Most of me, though, no longer cared, as I had lost everything that was dear to me for speaking my truth.  My world felt twisted and upside-down – it didn’t make any sense.  How could something that felt so right for so long, suddenly make me feel like a monster when I had done nothing wrong?

What I can see now that I couldn’t see then is that both sides felt betrayed.  We all lost innocence about feminism that day or at-least were faced with the limitations of feminism.  As someone who was assigned female and was forced to live the life of a straight woman for 20 years, I do have insight into how women are treated.  But I maintain that I will never know what its like to actually *be* a woman.  I never was one.  I just looked like one – an impostor, a fake, a doppelganger.  My friends believed that I was a woman, so when I told them that I really wasn’t one, they thought I was denying my womanhood and implying that manhood was much better.  They thought I was buying into the patriarchy and believed that to be a woman was one of the worst things you could be.  This is very far from the actual truth of why I transitioned and their assumption that my motivation was flawed led to all sorts of recriminations.  I transitioned because my mind says male and my body said female.  I wanted them to match and for that I have been called a traitor, an impostor, a liar, a chauvinist pig, a tool of the patriarchy, etc.  It took me a long time to come to terms with the accusations I faced from my feminist friends.  A part of me agreed with them and felt extreme guilt that my decision to transition could make me just as bad as the boys who harassed my friends as a child.  I didn’t want to be like them.  I didn’t want to be that guy who thinks they are better than women solely because they’ve been trained to think that way.  I was also aware that gaining male privilege can make trans men become sexist jerks.  I vowed to not become that kind of man.

I’ve been living my life as I’d always wished for 8 years now.  I am an effeminate gay trans men who loves the company of women.  It took me a long time, but I have finally come to terms with the limitations of feminism and understand that my former friends did the best they could do with the information they had, as did I.  Neither side won or lost.  I still fight against sexism and believe that women need their spaces away from men.  I’m somewhat of an outsider now, but I like to look in to see how strong and powerful women can be and just happy that slowly things are getting better.  I know that I can’t give them the male privilege that I’ve gained, but I can still watch out for their safety.  I can still stand up for them when they need it.  I can still be their friend and listen when they need an ear.  I still care and no matter how hard they push me away, I will always be there.

In closing, If you’re a trans man reading this, please take this to heart.  Let your former life guide you, but know that you are not betraying anyone by transitioning and living your life to the fullest.  By the power vested in me you are now absolved of all guilt you are feeling.  Just one thing before you to take the plunge — don’t forget about the sisters you left behind.

Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.  Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.  He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.

I’ve been trying to gain muscle for about the last three months.  It very much is an exercise in futility since NONE of the men in my family can gain muscle until they’re 30 or so.  My dad and uncles were all in the military, most of my male cousins are in now.  None of them were/are muscular.  Fit, yes.  Able to run 6-10 miles at a stretch, definitely.  Muscular?  Never.  So I know that the chances of my ever being able to look good in those International Male style tight t-shirts are pretty frickin’ low, at least for the next few years.

Still, I try.  Because when I started T everyone went on about how I’d stop being so damned scrawny.  I’d check out blogs and see all these guys who went from puny to ripped after two or three months.  I know logically that their genetics are different from my own, but damned if that’s going to override the magic powers many of us (subconsciously) give to T.

So here’s a heads up for those of you who think T is a wonder cure: it’s not.

T will not:

• Cure your depression (though it may help a little, for me it’s a mood stabiliser so I need fewer anti-depressants)
• Transform you from geek to stud
• Make you more outgoing
• Give you a beard overnight
• Do anything overnight, really
• Cure your social anxiety (unless your anxiety is related to being seen as a woman, but that still takes time)
• Give you motivation to do things you were putting off, ie: school, work, or otherwise functioning as an independent person
• Stop your periods in one day (average seems to be 2-3 months, in my case it took years…but I’m an exception)
• Automatically make you pass
• Make you a superhero in bed
• Completely remove your body dysphoria (generally, some people make peace with their bits)
• Turn you gay

About the last one: some guys do experience a shift in sexuality after coming out.  However, most of that seems to stem from being seen as a man rather than testosterone itself.  Even guys who’ve had to stop T for a while continue to be attracted to men once their system has stabilised to their pre-T hormone levels.

What will testosterone do?  It will simulate a male puberty thereby allowing you to look about how you would have if you’d been born with (functioning) testes.  If the guys in your family are bears there is a good chance you will look like a bear.  If the guys in your family are twinkish (like in mine) you’ll probably end up twinkish.  It’s all about genetics and what you ended up with.

Hopefully whoever is currently searching on this topic will read this:

YES, TRANS MEN CAN LIKE MEN.

Sexuality is entirely removed from gender identity, you like who you like.  I like men.  Many of the people who read this blog like men.  Liking men does NOT stop a person from being trans.  So don’t worry about it too much.