Not Another Aiden

I know, sometimes that seems impossible.  When you first come out it’s like you figured out this secret society full of cool new people and ideas.  It can be overwhelming, especially if you also jump into physical transition.

You don’t want to make your entire life about being trans, though.  It’s a damned good way to make sure you feel like crap after you’ve done everything you want to do.  It’s also a good way to start yourself off on a bitter and lonely life.  When the only aspect of yourself you focus on is being trans the world seems more hostile than it truly is.  Let’s be honest, life’s not easy for a boy named Sue.  Life’s really not easy when Sue can’t just whip out his penis to answer any questions.  If you allow yourself to only focus on the transphobic aspects of society you’ll miss all of the good things we’ve done.

Don’t forget that there’s more to you than being trans.  I’m sure you’re an amazing person with unique gifts to offer the world.  Everyone has something that makes them special, even if it’s as mundane as being able to recite the entire Twilight series from memory.  Go do things that made you happy before you came out.  Nurture those things, don’t push them aside just because you’re excited about being trans.  You’ll regret it once you’re no longer focused on transition and have to catch up on web design or piano or WoW.

Also remember your pre-transition friends.  The ONLY reason to ignore them is if they refuse to accept who you are — and even then I’d give them some time to adjust (took my oldest friend two years to come around).  Friends who’ve known you a while have a different perspective than new friends.  They know about the time you accidentally pushed the principal in the pool and how you’re terrified of bees because you stepped on one when you were five.  Old friends also know the stories from pre-transition, stories you may not always be able to tell new friends if you don’t want to come out.

I don’t want anyone to think they shouldn’t have trans* friends.  Without my trans* friends I’d have never made it through the first year.  Even now, I like having trans* friends so I can vent about things like still being uncomfortable in locker rooms and not knowing whether or not to disclose to someone.  There are certain things that only another transperson can understand.  Just make sure you’re not neglecting your non-trans friends in the process.  Most of the time they want you to be happy, even if they don’t quite understand why you need to transition.

Go to trans events, have trans friends, explore this new aspect of your life.  It is important — certainly for the first year or so — and you’ll end up learning some pretty cool things about yourself.  As long as you remember to set aside some time for the aspects of yourself that aren’t trans-related you’ll be fine.  Give yourself the opportunity to be a whole person instead of a transperson.  You’ll have more to look forward to once you’ve gotten the physical stuff out of the way.

One of the things all transguys have to deal with eventually is how open they want to be about their trans* status.  Unfortunately, most of us don’t start thinking about this until it becomes a problem — whether because we didn’t realise we weren’t out already or because suddenly people we don’t want knowing have found out.  I actually had both problems at the same time which is at least amusing, if also a little frustrating.

The first thing to realise is that there are more options than simply “no one knows, ever” and “everyone in the world knows, from my mom to the mailman.”  We just looked at the spectra for sex, sexuality, gender, and gender expression, look at disclosure as another spectrum.  On the one end you have deep stealth and on the other there’s 100% out.  Some people are on the ends, but most fall somewhere in the middle.  Where you fall can also shift as you transition and figure out your own comfort levels.

I fall closer to the stealth end simply because I hated being the token tranny.  Could not stand it, felt more uncomfortable then than when people considered me a weird little tomboy.  So I tend to not tell anyone.  If I’m likely to try getting in someone’s pants then they get to know, but other than that I avoid the topic entirely.

That said, it wasn’t always like this.  When I first came out I was all gung-ho “yay, trans pride!” and figured I’d be out to all of my friends, regardless of whether they saw me as a girl or a guy when we met.  For a while this worked out simply because early in transition it’s nearly impossible to get the right name and pronouns out of people unless you’re open about things.  Being stealth wasn’t even an option at that point, it was either out myself or deal with people thinking I was a girl.  So I blogged and told people and participated in studies and even was in a few news articles (this was back when transguys were THE hot news topic).

Then I moved.  All of a sudden I didn’t have to be out.  People assumed I had some sort of glandular problem, but they weren’t questioning what was in my pants.  It took me a while to realise this, but once I did I was thrilled.  No more having to explain gender theory, no more awkward questions to avoid, all I had to do was be myself.  Until they started Googling my name.  One person found out and told another person who told another person and it all went to hell.

That was when I realised that I don’t really like being out as trans.  It was a great option when I was starting, but as I grew into myself it started being more and more uncomfortable.  Problem was, it’s ridiculously difficult to take things off the internet.  Eventually I managed to change over all my old blogs and convinced the people who’d found out to keep it to themselves.  That still left all the studies and news articles I was in.  The studies weren’t as big of a deal simply because they all had their own privacy plans in place so even I can barely tell that I’m Patient X.  The news articles on the other hand…well, let’s just say that six months of calls only showed me that reporters are rarely (if ever) willing to change even a word of something that’s already been published.

I lived with just about everyone in my world knowing about my status for a little over a year.  Any time I met someone knew I wondered if I should tell them myself or wait for them to find the articles online.  Most of the time I waited.  About 3/4 of the people I didn’t tell eventually asked me directly after trying to find my Facebook or MySpace or the articles I was starting to write for the local gay press.  There was always a bit of a shift after people found out, I was no longer just another one of the guys.  That irritated me more than anything else, I had been more accepted as just another flamingly gay teen long before I ever even came out!

That was when I found out I’d be moving again.  I had applied for a study abroad programme with no real hope of getting in, but ended up being more qualified than I had expected.  With four months to prepare, I had plenty of time to decide what I wanted to be different.  I knew that I absolutely, 100% did not want to be out unless I was the one telling people.  I still hadn’t fully figured out when to tell, but I knew that I didn’t want them to find out via Google.  The only way I could even begin to do this was to change my name a second time and even that wasn’t a guarantee as name changes are public record.  Still, I didn’t figure people would be interested enough to look through stacks of records in a different country.

So let’s recap.  I came out, figured I’d always be out, was very public about being trans, moved, realised I didn’t have to be out, tried to be somewhat stealth, had people find out via internet, and went through a second name change in order to be given my preferred level of privacy.  It all worked out in the end, but it was kind of a pain in the ass and not how I’d do things if given a second chance.

Which is why I’m always a little concerned when newly out guys start posting things online without any concern for their anonymity.  It’s easy to assume that you’ll always be out, the early days of transition are intense.  There’s an immense pride in discovering yourself, particularly once you find a community of people who understand.  Few of us consider that there may come a time when we don’t want to be out to everyone, something that is exacerbated by the fact that most trans* support groups (both on and offline) are predominantly populated by the newly out/early in transition.  It’s the downside to so many transmen going the exact opposite route and never speaking to other transguys again, but that’s a topic for another day.

I tend to get into fights when in areas designed solely for transmen.  Actually, I tend to get into fights when in areas designed for transpeople in general.  It’s odd for me because I do have trans friends (both men and women), it’s the only way I would have managed the early days of transition.  However, I can’t seem to get along with the trans community in general.  At least, I can’t online.  In person it’s a little better.

The reasons for this are two-fold.  First of all, I’m not a gender/women’s studies major.  I don’t do queer theory.  I don’t care about the latest research on gender socialisation.  Just about everything being said now was debunked with the Reimer case in 70s so I’m not sure why we insist on going back to it.

The second reason is that I’m simply not like the vast majority of the trans community.  Rather, I’m not like either of the sides that present themselves online.  I’m not masculine enough for the man’s man FtMs, but I’m also not genderqueer.  I have a very distinct, binary gender identity, but my expression isn’t stereotypical.  I like glitter and I’m not afraid to say so.

I’ve come to terms with this.  I no longer really care if I’m accepted within the trans community because I don’t need a trans support system.  I’ve hit a point where every few years I may need a factual answer to a specific question, but beyond that I’m pretty good.  What concerns me is what will happen to the guys coming out who are like me.

That’s why I have this blog.  There aren’t a whole lot of guys like me, I realise that.  Most guys fall into one of the two major camps, either masculine or genderqueer.  However, if I help even one scared kid realise that he isn’t alone then the time and effort put into this are worth it.

I do wish there was somewhere else these guys could go.  Somewhere that has passing tips for effeminate guys, suggestions on how to bind while still wearing tight shirts (hint: it’s not always possible), ways to pass without sacrificing who you are.  I can do some, but let’s face it, there’s nothing quite like having a bunch of people you can go to with a problem.  Unfortunately, I don’t know enough guys like me to set up something like that.  Let alone guys like me who have transitioned, most of us simply assimilate into the gay male world.

There’s Femme-FtM on LiveJournal, but they’re more genderqueer than FtM transexual.  Beyond that, the vast majority of guys on there aren’t effeminate in the “flaming queen” sense of the word.  Lots of emo, scene, and punk.  If you want to gauge your ears you’ll be welcomed with open arms.  Some anime-style bishounen (did I spell that right?) if that’s your style.  Not so much for the guy whose ideal look is a cross between Brian Kinney and Emmett Honeycutt (from Queer as Folk for all you youngin’s).

Dreamwidth has a few trans groups that are more open to effeminate guys, but none of them are very active.  I’m not sure the mod for most of them has checked in in a few months.  Other than that there’s not really anything.

It’s too bad.  Effeminate men in general are marginalised, transmen even moreso.