Not Another Aiden

Three gay FTM old-timers have gathered the following tips that might help you to become part of the gay community.

Personality and Dress

• While you may feel the need to play with your masculinity and put on personas while you figure things out, please use an editing eye. For instance, say you like having a big bulge. Instead of going for the biggest one in the store, take it back a notch and get a medium-sized one to start. Same goes with other things like mannerisms. Perhaps you still sing-song like a typical woman and you’d like to start “speaking like a man”. Well, you could make your voice super monotonous and lacking of any emotion (how boring!), or you could find a balance between expressing yourself and embodying a stereotype of a man. You get to choose, so do it wisely.
• If you must wear baggy clothes to feel comfortable during the early stages of transition, please do not continue after starting T. Your body shape will change, the hips will disappear (for the most part) and guys pants will start to fit well. This is when you need to update your wardrobe. This ties into learning to feel right in your body after so many years of hating it, so you must unlearn your old habits of dress. Start watching how men wear their clothes – you’ll start to see that looking like a 15 year old boy isn’t really that attractive. Find your own style.
• Don’t use gay men as something of a guinea pig for your experiments with masculinity. While it is ok to be adventurous and curious about sex, it is not ok to be so while looking down on or being disgusted by the people that you date.
• Don’t become a caricature of a gay man. You are not required to swish, squeal, giggle and wiggle but if you do, just make it your own and not copy your mannerisms from other people. Be natural and let the gay man inside come out but don’t force it.
• You will try things on that don’t fit and some that do. If you’ve tried X and you find you don’t like it, then don’t do it, regardless of how many trans men have told you that you must do X in order to pass. If you like Y and every trans man you’ve met has told you to never do Y in order to pass, then keep doing it. Courage of conviction is a must when you are in the early stages – you must stick to your guns and believe you are who you say you are despite many others trying to convince you otherwise. And whenever someone says that you will only pass if you do X, Y, or Z is simplifying the entire process and leaving out the most important part – your happiness.
• It doesn’t hurt to be creative in dress and hairstyle. Be delicious.

Social Aspects

• Forget what you learned about gay men from the media and start learning from actual gay men.
• Recognize the diversity of gay men, because they’re not all the same, just as not all trans men are the same.
• Don’t throw slurs around until you know which ones are being reclaimed/used in your particular area.
• Do not mock gay men and/or gay culture.  Most guys don’t mean to do this, but it’s the one that’s likely to piss people off the most — and alienate you from any stealth trans guys who may be watching. Do NOT make fun of anyone until you are close enough that everyone knows it’s friendly. Don’t make gay jokes, don’t whine about Peter Pan syndrome or immature queens, don’t suddenly start acting like Kurt from Glee when really you’re more like Artie. It’s a vastly annoying phase that many guys (cis or trans) go through and the more you can avoid it the better.
• When you go to a new gay male place, just stay in the background for a while, and learn how people are behaving.  There are lots of rituals, the way people flirt and make contact. Make friends, get to know people.  If you behave well and people know and like you, gay men will approach you easily, often even when you are not passing yet. Men are easy to understand and easy to have, not like with women.
• Remember that gay men are independent and much less group-oriented than women/lesbians are.  Men don’t control each other the way women do.  They don’t do the telepathy/empathy thing.   When a man says something, it is implied that he says it only about himself.  Never expect that he will check in if he might somehow hurt you with what he says, because he is only speaking about himself.
• Be entertaining and friendly. Many gay guys make an art of being a good conversationalist, and good manners are certainly something that will endear you to people. Be funny, or if you can’t, be kind.
• Gay men actually like men. As in, really like them – not just men’s bodies, but men’s culture, men’s ways of relating to each other, the way men smell and taste and sound. A certain amount of misandry is tolerated among lesbians and the genderqueer types, and even among straight women, and it’s easy to soak that up, but gay men can smell it and it turns them off (even as potential friends) before you even open your mouth.
• Don’t act like you’ve figured out how to be a man that is somehow how better than the versions you see from cis men. You’re not going to earn any friends that way and you certainly won’t get laid if you complain about all the misogyny and sexism you see. Cis gays are real people and they deserve respect, even if that means biting your tongue at times. Pick your battles. If you must call someone out for misogyny or sexism, do it in a funny or polite manner – they are your potential friends and mates, not pawns of the enemy.
• If you have trouble finding your place, don’t fret, you just haven’t met the right people yet.

Sex

• Know yourself and know what you want/don’t want. When you want something, you have to take care of it yourself.  Don’t expect that your partner will somehow think for you.  You have to be outspoken at all times.  Say no and say yes immediately.  A guy will never sense that something is wrong with you, because he expects that you take responsibility for your boundaries and needs, just as he is taking for his own.  Be outspoken about it without being bitchy.
• Socialize with cis men as friends before you try to date or sleep with them. If you can’t get along as one of the guys, figure out the problem before you start trying to bring a sexual element into it. Straight women can get laid with guys they don’t like and can’t relate to (usually with guys who similarly don’t like and can’t relate to girls), but gay men expect at least a little bit of common ground, even the ones looking for NSA (no strings attached) stuff.
• Don’t be too aggressive and not take no for an answer. Shrug the rejection off and move on to the next guy.  There will be guys that don’t feel comfortable sleeping with trans man and you must accept this.
• Don’t cry transphobia for everything – no one likes to be called a douchebag for no reason. This is especially true when getting turned down for sex, it’s not always because we’re trans. “Not my type” encompasses everything from clothes to hair to height to genitals to sexual interests. I know I’ve turned down trans guys for reasons unrelated to their crotch, cis gay guys should have that option too.
• Don’t be grossed out by stuff. If it isn’t your piece of cake, just leave. There are other places. Don’t give people the feeling that they are perverted or something.
• Don’t go into a gay male back room with a group of early transition FTM, (esp. when the guys who are in there have known you as a lesbian for years) and demand that they have sex with you. If the guys feel uneasy about it, don’t call them transphobic – that won’t enhance your chances to fuck them.

Bonus material:

Norah Vincent talks about her experiences with passing in straight male communities:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5171860

Written by ShipofFools, Kian and Not Aiden.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.  (Except where they do…gotta love group efforts.)

1.  Get comfortable with the idea of gay sex.

Many FTMs date women at first because they assume that they must like women if they are a man, but this is not true at all.  If you are interested in dating men or already do, then start calling yourself gay and get used to the idea.  This is important because being a gay man is frowned upon, and announcing that you are going to transition to a gay man takes most people aback.  Most will not understand this, but that’s okay because you’ve found this website and a good portion of transmen are gay.  You are not alone.

As a big part of this, you will have to overcome internalized homophobia in addition to internalized transphobia, so talking about your sexuality is just as important as talking about your gender (which I’m sure you do all the time ).  You must unlearn many of the ideas you subconsciously have about gay men and gay sex, which is not easy.  You might have some sexual repression.  You might feel shame when you call yourself gay.  It may feel really uncomfortable.  You need a gay and trans positive person to talk to about this.  Don’t ignore it and assume that accepting your transsexuality means that you are okay with being gay as well.

If you’ve never had sex with another man and would like to, but are scared, you may just need to do some research.  This could be as simple as making out with a guy (preferably gay), watching gay porn, or making some gay male friends and asking them some questions at the risk of sounding dumb or silly.  Explore.

Your outside bits grow and become super sensitive.  Thinking about sex makes you hot and bothered.  Visual imagery has more of an impact.  Smells drive you wild.  Sometimes, sex will be the only thing on your mind and you can’t escape it.  Find a hot video (Gayup.org/ is my favorite stop) and enjoy yourself.  Repeat if necessary.  All men go through this period of their lives but usually around age 15, so other people might really start to wonder what’s going on even if you haven’t told them yet.  Once you get a hold on your libido and what gets you off, start to assess your level of readiness for the dating scene.

4.  Dating (and passing as a gay man).

I hate to stereotype gay men in general, but it is a well-known fact that gay men are superficial .  When cruising or socializing you will most likely be judged on the way you looked (as previously female, you’ve probably already experienced this).  However, you may have taken care before to not look too put together in order to look less female, but now you need to reverse this in order achieve your fullest dating potential.  Take care of yourself – eat good food, exercise, and quit smoking.

Regarding the acquisition of a special friend, testosterone will determine when you start passing consistently, but there are some things you can do to increase your chances of being seen as a gay man.  If you around other gay men, being open about your sexuality is a good start (especially, if you don’t pass that well yet) – make sure they know you’re gay.   Flirt.   Go dancing.  Make out.   (Don’t do the drugs!).  USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously.

5.  Disclosure

When you find someone you like and who may like you, you need to figure out when and how to tell him that you are trans.  This is a sensitive and complex subject that cannot be discussed in full in this context, but I wanted to mention it because your safety is important.  Give this a lot of thought and do not assume that he won’t be okay with it.  But also expect that some men will not only not be okay with your transness but they will be quite cruel about it.  Do not let other people determine your self-worth.  Stay safe and have fun!

Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.  Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.  He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.

I already did one of these for the women, but apparently it needs spelled out for the gay men as well because I just got fifteen hits in one day for this question.

Seriously lads, liking a transguy is still liking a guy.  The lack of a penis irritates me just as much as it irritates you.  Actually, it most likely irritates me more.  Imagine how you’d feel if you woke up one day without your dick.

Are there some cultural differences?  It depends on the guy.  I was raised in gay male circles and know more about gay history than most gay men my own age.  Other transguys were into women before they came out and are still learning about interaction and social cues.  Just like with any other guy, a particular transguy may or may not be your type.  We’re all different though so don’t assume because you didn’t mesh with one transguy you won’t mesh with any of us.

A few myths to dispel: No, we are not straight women trying to “turn” you.  You’re not that attractive and it’s really not worth the effort.  Do you seriously think we decided to start shooting ourselves up with steroids and chopping off parts of our bodies just to get dates?  It’s a bit much to go through, especially since many of us were more popular before we came out.

No, we are not the stepping stone between gay and straight.  We are dudes, if you like one of us you still like a dude.  You don’t get to use us as a way to figure out your own sexuality, just as straight men don’t get to use gay hookers to figure out theirs.  It’s rude, it’s cruel, and it’s ignoring that we’re just as human as you are.

No, we are not all bottoms.  Some of us are tops, some of us switch.  It depends on the guy just like anyone else.

No, we are not all former butch lesbians.  Like I said before, I was raised with gay guys.  I have no lesbian-dar and wouldn’t know what to do in a lesbian group.  Most of the time I end up accidentally offending someone.  Plus, I’m not butch.  At all.

Yes, we do like cock just as much as the next gay guy.  If we didn’t we wouldn’t be hitting on you, would we?

We’re guys.  Guys with a particular medical condition that requires a particular set of treatment options.  Other than that we’re not all that different from you.

If any of you follow my Tumblr log you’ll know that I posted a FML post about a woman who’s husband didn’t disclose his trans history until after the wedding.  If you don’t follow the Tumblr log, but have read the last post in here you’ll know that I’m having some issues with an intense crush on a guy I know.  If you somehow got here via Google or whatever else…well, you can probably imagine that telling people about being trans isn’t the easiest thing to do.

Now, this is a very contentious issue within the trans community.  Everyone has their own opinion on disclosure.  These are my methods and why I use them.  Don’t assume that everyone feels the same way.  In fact, assume that no one feels the same way.  It’s easier.

When:  This is always the trickiest part for me.  I prefer to disclose before things get sexual, but after I’m at least 80% sure that it’s likely to happen soon.  In my case this generally means even before serious make out sessions, I prefer to be safe rather than sorry.  Finding the right balance is close to impossible, most of the time I just go on gut instinct.  It becomes doubly hard because I’m not into casual sex.  Other transguys hook up in clubs, bars, or online, but I have this thing where I need to know someone before I’m comfortable showing them my bits.  So I end up having to weigh whether or not I’m willing to lose the person I disclose to as a friend as well as a potential sex partner.  It’s…frustrating, to say the least.

Where: Because I only disclose to people I already have a relatively good relationship with and always before things get heated I feel perfectly safe disclosing in a private place.  Sometimes this means my place, sometime theirs, it really depends.  I try to avoid disclosure in public areas just because I’m hyper paranoid about someone overhearing (the local gay community is rather incestuous), but in most cases public is safer.

How: Slowly and carefully.  Sometimes I pull out the scrapbooks (family of photographers), others…well, let’s just say I’m pretty well known for speaking before I think.  Often I start online with vague chats about transpeople in the news to see if I can gauge their general understanding of the subject.  A couple of times I’ve gotten lucky and they’ve known a transguy already so I’m pretty well set.  Most of the time their closest understanding of trans issues has to do with liking a particular drag queen.  Either way, if I can get the initial “this is what a transman is” conversation out of the way first things tend to go over better.  At the very least, they know what the hell I’m talking about.

I’ve yet to determine a perfect way of telling people.  For one thing, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the intense fear that builds up as I wait for the right setting.  If at some point I find that one thing works better than others, that’ll be awesome and I’ll post about it.  For now I mostly stutter my way through and hope for the best.

Why: Ah, the big one.  Why do I disclose so early?  Why do I disclose at all?  Well, I don’t have a penis.  I don’t care how much transmen try to say that a T enlarged clitoris is like a mini-penis, when it comes to expectations of what your boyfriend has below the waist that simply does not cut it.  Not disclosing is a damned good way to get myself killed.  This is something transwomen have to worry about far more than transmen, but I’m not willing to put myself at risk like that either way.

Yes, people should be accepting.  No, it probably shouldn’t matter.  Yes, it is wrong for someone to kill a sexual partner for being trans (or any other reason, to be honest).  However, this is not a perfect world.  People fuck up.  People get upset.  People do things they wouldn’t otherwise even consider.  Using the “but they’d be in the wrong” excuse as a reason to not disclose is stupid, immature, and not going to help you once your head has been bashed in.  This is not a situation where I’m interested in making a political point, it is a situation where I just want to be sure I get out with minimal damage (both physically and emotionally).

I also believe that it’s just fair.  When you enter a sexual relationship with someone there are certain expectations.  These expectations differ based on the situation, but there are expectations.  In my case one of the expectations is a penis.  Most of the time another expectation is that I’ll top.  My being trans drastically changes the realities of these expectations.  Whatever partner I have has a right to know and accept that sex/a relationship with me is going to be different from what they were expecting.  I’d expect the same respect in return, if I pull down their pants and find out that they’re trans too I’m going to be pretty annoyed.  Not necessarily because I don’t like transmen (though I have a difficult time finding any I connect with on a personal level), but because I was expecting a penis and would like to be able to consent to any changes in that plan.

In my case there’s the added problem of needing to know someone before getting naked with them.  If I’m having sex with someone there’s a decent chance I’m already pretty emotionally invested.  This is part of why I prefer to tell sooner rather than later.  Once I’ve made out with you and gotten to a point where I’m used to being physical it becomes more and more difficult for me to handle the loss if you’re not ok with the trans issue.  I’d rather disclose early and avoid the pain that comes with waiting too long.  The earlier I disclose the more likely I am to be able to handle a friendship, once I get past a certain point that option simply becomes to emotionally distressing.

Again, all of this is just my personal views on the subject.  Different people have different opinions.  I don’t agree with all of those opinions, but not everyone agrees with mine either.

I have been socially transitioned since about age 12.  I didn’t formally come out until I was 20, but I have exactly one friend who considered me a “girl” as a child.  He was my only straight friend and had a crush on me that lasted…well, until I came out.

The early social transition means that I didn’t have nearly as steep of a learning curve as most other transguys (particularly gay ones).  I know gay cues, I know how to interact in male-only circles, I’m pretty comfortable in any situation that doesn’t require me undressing.

Yet, every now and then…something happens.  I’ll get shot down, one of my friends will deal with transphobia, a string of days will go by where I don’t pass…it can be anything.  Any tiny little thing and my confidence disappears.  All of a sudden I start second guessing myself, I start wanting to crawl into a cave and stay there until everyone I know has moved on and I can make a fresh start.

I don’t really want to do this.  I’ve already made about 50 different fresh starts in my life and each time I’ve been upset about losing contact with old friends.  I don’t like fresh starts, even if they make my life easier in the short term they’re still vastly depressing in the long term.

I just wish there was some way for me to be fully confident in how people perceive me.  That’s really what it comes down to, this intense fear that something I say or do is going to ‘give me away’.  It’s slowly getting better as I pass more often, but because I still don’t I spend a substantial amount of time thinking about it.

This time it’s because a friend of mine was auditioning for a part in a show his local gay choir is doing.  Nice guy, passes a hell of a lot better than I do, has an amazing voice.  He’s been a member of this choir for a little over a year and made some great friends.  Several people have commented on how great his voice is so he figured he’d get at least a small part in the show.  Goes to the first audition, all goes well…second audition and the casting director just kind of looks at him and essentially says “no way in hell”.

Now, logically I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with him being trans.  For one thing, he’s not out.  I also know that it has nothing to do with me or my local gay chorus.  I know for a fact that there are at least two guys besides me who are trans and I suspect a couple of others.  A few of the guys know, but haven’t said anything outright.  I’d guess that most of the people I care about most don’t know just because they’d have said something.

Either way, I’m now terrified that all of a sudden people are going to find out and hate me and I’m going to have to run away or something because I will not be the token tranny.  I hate being the token tranny.  I hate being seen as trans before anything else, that’s simply not who I am.

It doesn’t help that there’s this really cute new guy I am totally crushing on.  He’s gorgeous.  Bright red hair, green eyes, freckles, completely not the kind of guy I usually go for.  Normally I’d be flirting, but right now…I’m not so sure.  I want to go hide in a cave until this stupid secondary puberty phase is over and I can be 100% positive I pass.  Unfortunately, with my genetics that could take another 5-10 years.

Even with my early socialisation, I’ve managed to miss so many of the traditional gay boy experiences my friends had.  The giddy first boyfriend, stupid self portraits to show off newly developed pecs…anything that requires a male body I missed out on.  I don’t want to miss anything else.

It’s kind of ironic, really.  Growing up I didn’t realise that I wasn’t like all of my gay guy friends until I was nearly 16 (which is when they all started getting laid).  I’d talk to older gay men who didn’t come out until they were in their 30s or 40s and feel so horrible about all the things they didn’t get to do.  It never once occurred to me that one day I’d be in a similar position.