Not Another Aiden

1.  Get comfortable with the idea of gay sex.

Many FTMs date women at first because they assume that they must like women if they are a man, but this is not true at all.  If you are interested in dating men or already do, then start calling yourself gay and get used to the idea.  This is important because being a gay man is frowned upon, and announcing that you are going to transition to a gay man takes most people aback.  Most will not understand this, but that’s okay because you’ve found this website and a good portion of transmen are gay.  You are not alone.

As a big part of this, you will have to overcome internalized homophobia in addition to internalized transphobia, so talking about your sexuality is just as important as talking about your gender (which I’m sure you do all the time ).  You must unlearn many of the ideas you subconsciously have about gay men and gay sex, which is not easy.  You might have some sexual repression.  You might feel shame when you call yourself gay.  It may feel really uncomfortable.  You need a gay and trans positive person to talk to about this.  Don’t ignore it and assume that accepting your transsexuality means that you are okay with being gay as well.

If you’ve never had sex with another man and would like to, but are scared, you may just need to do some research.  This could be as simple as making out with a guy (preferably gay), watching gay porn, or making some gay male friends and asking them some questions at the risk of sounding dumb or silly.  Explore.

Your outside bits grow and become super sensitive.  Thinking about sex makes you hot and bothered.  Visual imagery has more of an impact.  Smells drive you wild.  Sometimes, sex will be the only thing on your mind and you can’t escape it.  Find a hot video (Gayup.org/ is my favorite stop) and enjoy yourself.  Repeat if necessary.  All men go through this period of their lives but usually around age 15, so other people might really start to wonder what’s going on even if you haven’t told them yet.  Once you get a hold on your libido and what gets you off, start to assess your level of readiness for the dating scene.

4.  Dating (and passing as a gay man).

I hate to stereotype gay men in general, but it is a well-known fact that gay men are superficial .  When cruising or socializing you will most likely be judged on the way you looked (as previously female, you’ve probably already experienced this).  However, you may have taken care before to not look too put together in order to look less female, but now you need to reverse this in order achieve your fullest dating potential.  Take care of yourself – eat good food, exercise, and quit smoking.

Regarding the acquisition of a special friend, testosterone will determine when you start passing consistently, but there are some things you can do to increase your chances of being seen as a gay man.  If you around other gay men, being open about your sexuality is a good start (especially, if you don’t pass that well yet) – make sure they know you’re gay.   Flirt.   Go dancing.  Make out.   (Don’t do the drugs!).  USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously.

5.  Disclosure

When you find someone you like and who may like you, you need to figure out when and how to tell him that you are trans.  This is a sensitive and complex subject that cannot be discussed in full in this context, but I wanted to mention it because your safety is important.  Give this a lot of thought and do not assume that he won’t be okay with it.  But also expect that some men will not only not be okay with your transness but they will be quite cruel about it.  Do not let other people determine your self-worth.  Stay safe and have fun!

Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.  Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.  He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.

I already did one of these for the women, but apparently it needs spelled out for the gay men as well because I just got fifteen hits in one day for this question.

Seriously lads, liking a transguy is still liking a guy.  The lack of a penis irritates me just as much as it irritates you.  Actually, it most likely irritates me more.  Imagine how you’d feel if you woke up one day without your dick.

Are there some cultural differences?  It depends on the guy.  I was raised in gay male circles and know more about gay history than most gay men my own age.  Other transguys were into women before they came out and are still learning about interaction and social cues.  Just like with any other guy, a particular transguy may or may not be your type.  We’re all different though so don’t assume because you didn’t mesh with one transguy you won’t mesh with any of us.

A few myths to dispel: No, we are not straight women trying to “turn” you.  You’re not that attractive and it’s really not worth the effort.  Do you seriously think we decided to start shooting ourselves up with steroids and chopping off parts of our bodies just to get dates?  It’s a bit much to go through, especially since many of us were more popular before we came out.

No, we are not the stepping stone between gay and straight.  We are dudes, if you like one of us you still like a dude.  You don’t get to use us as a way to figure out your own sexuality, just as straight men don’t get to use gay hookers to figure out theirs.  It’s rude, it’s cruel, and it’s ignoring that we’re just as human as you are.

No, we are not all bottoms.  Some of us are tops, some of us switch.  It depends on the guy just like anyone else.

No, we are not all former butch lesbians.  Like I said before, I was raised with gay guys.  I have no lesbian-dar and wouldn’t know what to do in a lesbian group.  Most of the time I end up accidentally offending someone.  Plus, I’m not butch.  At all.

Yes, we do like cock just as much as the next gay guy.  If we didn’t we wouldn’t be hitting on you, would we?

We’re guys.  Guys with a particular medical condition that requires a particular set of treatment options.  Other than that we’re not all that different from you.

If any of you follow my Tumblr log you’ll know that I posted a FML post about a woman who’s husband didn’t disclose his trans history until after the wedding.  If you don’t follow the Tumblr log, but have read the last post in here you’ll know that I’m having some issues with an intense crush on a guy I know.  If you somehow got here via Google or whatever else…well, you can probably imagine that telling people about being trans isn’t the easiest thing to do.

Now, this is a very contentious issue within the trans community.  Everyone has their own opinion on disclosure.  These are my methods and why I use them.  Don’t assume that everyone feels the same way.  In fact, assume that no one feels the same way.  It’s easier.

When:  This is always the trickiest part for me.  I prefer to disclose before things get sexual, but after I’m at least 80% sure that it’s likely to happen soon.  In my case this generally means even before serious make out sessions, I prefer to be safe rather than sorry.  Finding the right balance is close to impossible, most of the time I just go on gut instinct.  It becomes doubly hard because I’m not into casual sex.  Other transguys hook up in clubs, bars, or online, but I have this thing where I need to know someone before I’m comfortable showing them my bits.  So I end up having to weigh whether or not I’m willing to lose the person I disclose to as a friend as well as a potential sex partner.  It’s…frustrating, to say the least.

Where: Because I only disclose to people I already have a relatively good relationship with and always before things get heated I feel perfectly safe disclosing in a private place.  Sometimes this means my place, sometime theirs, it really depends.  I try to avoid disclosure in public areas just because I’m hyper paranoid about someone overhearing (the local gay community is rather incestuous), but in most cases public is safer.

How: Slowly and carefully.  Sometimes I pull out the scrapbooks (family of photographers), others…well, let’s just say I’m pretty well known for speaking before I think.  Often I start online with vague chats about transpeople in the news to see if I can gauge their general understanding of the subject.  A couple of times I’ve gotten lucky and they’ve known a transguy already so I’m pretty well set.  Most of the time their closest understanding of trans issues has to do with liking a particular drag queen.  Either way, if I can get the initial “this is what a transman is” conversation out of the way first things tend to go over better.  At the very least, they know what the hell I’m talking about.

I’ve yet to determine a perfect way of telling people.  For one thing, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the intense fear that builds up as I wait for the right setting.  If at some point I find that one thing works better than others, that’ll be awesome and I’ll post about it.  For now I mostly stutter my way through and hope for the best.

Why: Ah, the big one.  Why do I disclose so early?  Why do I disclose at all?  Well, I don’t have a penis.  I don’t care how much transmen try to say that a T enlarged clitoris is like a mini-penis, when it comes to expectations of what your boyfriend has below the waist that simply does not cut it.  Not disclosing is a damned good way to get myself killed.  This is something transwomen have to worry about far more than transmen, but I’m not willing to put myself at risk like that either way.

Yes, people should be accepting.  No, it probably shouldn’t matter.  Yes, it is wrong for someone to kill a sexual partner for being trans (or any other reason, to be honest).  However, this is not a perfect world.  People fuck up.  People get upset.  People do things they wouldn’t otherwise even consider.  Using the “but they’d be in the wrong” excuse as a reason to not disclose is stupid, immature, and not going to help you once your head has been bashed in.  This is not a situation where I’m interested in making a political point, it is a situation where I just want to be sure I get out with minimal damage (both physically and emotionally).

I also believe that it’s just fair.  When you enter a sexual relationship with someone there are certain expectations.  These expectations differ based on the situation, but there are expectations.  In my case one of the expectations is a penis.  Most of the time another expectation is that I’ll top.  My being trans drastically changes the realities of these expectations.  Whatever partner I have has a right to know and accept that sex/a relationship with me is going to be different from what they were expecting.  I’d expect the same respect in return, if I pull down their pants and find out that they’re trans too I’m going to be pretty annoyed.  Not necessarily because I don’t like transmen (though I have a difficult time finding any I connect with on a personal level), but because I was expecting a penis and would like to be able to consent to any changes in that plan.

In my case there’s the added problem of needing to know someone before getting naked with them.  If I’m having sex with someone there’s a decent chance I’m already pretty emotionally invested.  This is part of why I prefer to tell sooner rather than later.  Once I’ve made out with you and gotten to a point where I’m used to being physical it becomes more and more difficult for me to handle the loss if you’re not ok with the trans issue.  I’d rather disclose early and avoid the pain that comes with waiting too long.  The earlier I disclose the more likely I am to be able to handle a friendship, once I get past a certain point that option simply becomes to emotionally distressing.

Again, all of this is just my personal views on the subject.  Different people have different opinions.  I don’t agree with all of those opinions, but not everyone agrees with mine either.

I have been socially transitioned since about age 12.  I didn’t formally come out until I was 20, but I have exactly one friend who considered me a “girl” as a child.  He was my only straight friend and had a crush on me that lasted…well, until I came out.

The early social transition means that I didn’t have nearly as steep of a learning curve as most other transguys (particularly gay ones).  I know gay cues, I know how to interact in male-only circles, I’m pretty comfortable in any situation that doesn’t require me undressing.

Yet, every now and then…something happens.  I’ll get shot down, one of my friends will deal with transphobia, a string of days will go by where I don’t pass…it can be anything.  Any tiny little thing and my confidence disappears.  All of a sudden I start second guessing myself, I start wanting to crawl into a cave and stay there until everyone I know has moved on and I can make a fresh start.

I don’t really want to do this.  I’ve already made about 50 different fresh starts in my life and each time I’ve been upset about losing contact with old friends.  I don’t like fresh starts, even if they make my life easier in the short term they’re still vastly depressing in the long term.

I just wish there was some way for me to be fully confident in how people perceive me.  That’s really what it comes down to, this intense fear that something I say or do is going to ‘give me away’.  It’s slowly getting better as I pass more often, but because I still don’t I spend a substantial amount of time thinking about it.

This time it’s because a friend of mine was auditioning for a part in a show his local gay choir is doing.  Nice guy, passes a hell of a lot better than I do, has an amazing voice.  He’s been a member of this choir for a little over a year and made some great friends.  Several people have commented on how great his voice is so he figured he’d get at least a small part in the show.  Goes to the first audition, all goes well…second audition and the casting director just kind of looks at him and essentially says “no way in hell”.

Now, logically I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with him being trans.  For one thing, he’s not out.  I also know that it has nothing to do with me or my local gay chorus.  I know for a fact that there are at least two guys besides me who are trans and I suspect a couple of others.  A few of the guys know, but haven’t said anything outright.  I’d guess that most of the people I care about most don’t know just because they’d have said something.

Either way, I’m now terrified that all of a sudden people are going to find out and hate me and I’m going to have to run away or something because I will not be the token tranny.  I hate being the token tranny.  I hate being seen as trans before anything else, that’s simply not who I am.

It doesn’t help that there’s this really cute new guy I am totally crushing on.  He’s gorgeous.  Bright red hair, green eyes, freckles, completely not the kind of guy I usually go for.  Normally I’d be flirting, but right now…I’m not so sure.  I want to go hide in a cave until this stupid secondary puberty phase is over and I can be 100% positive I pass.  Unfortunately, with my genetics that could take another 5-10 years.

Even with my early socialisation, I’ve managed to miss so many of the traditional gay boy experiences my friends had.  The giddy first boyfriend, stupid self portraits to show off newly developed pecs…anything that requires a male body I missed out on.  I don’t want to miss anything else.

It’s kind of ironic, really.  Growing up I didn’t realise that I wasn’t like all of my gay guy friends until I was nearly 16 (which is when they all started getting laid).  I’d talk to older gay men who didn’t come out until they were in their 30s or 40s and feel so horrible about all the things they didn’t get to do.  It never once occurred to me that one day I’d be in a similar position.

I may be getting a new roommate.  Friend is going through a rough patch and needs a place to stay and while I’m broke, I’m not so broke that I’m willing to let someone be homeless when I have a perfectly comfortable couch.

However, this friend does not know I’m trans.  Very few people do these days, it’s how I prefer things.  (To those of you who don’t pass: this CAN be done, but it’s slightly stressful and requires some fast talking.  I suggest it only if you’re 100% sure being out is not an option.)  Now, this causes a few logistical problems.  For one thing, I can’t walk around naked anymore.  If I wasn’t trans I theoretically could because that’s just how my group of friends is (and the new roommate is single and pretty fucking hot).

Beyond that, there are all the issues of figuring out whether to disclose or not.  I probably should just because it’s generally a good idea to tell that sort of thing to people you live with.  This guy is in about eight different gay-men-only groups with me though, I’m not fully sure how he’d take it.  I like to think that I’ve chosen my friends because of their open minds, but as any stealth guy will tell you, it’s not always as simple as being open minded.  If he doesn’t take it well I not only have to deal with his rejection (which would about kill me, I don’t take rejection well), but also the possibility of him telling everyone else in our group.  This area has a severely incestuous gay community, if one person decides to blab then everyone else will know within days.  It’s part of why I’ve avoided dating unless I’m 100% positive the guy in question will be fine with it (often because they’ve dated a transguy in the past — and even then I get the “sorry, no flamers” line which isn’t much better than the “sorry, no vagina” line).

This friend isn’t in the “definitely safe to tell” category.  He’s a bit younger than I am and I’m not fully sure he’s ever even heard of a transman before.  Let alone a gay one.  To him “trans” means “tranny” which means “drag queen who takes it to the next level”.  It’s not that he’s purposely offensive, he just honestly doesn’t know any better.  I feel like he could be ok with it with some basic Trans 101 education, but I’m just so sick of being that person.

Instead I find myself deciding not to tell him.  Which I realise is slightly stupid just from a basic “your roommates should know pertinent health information” standpoint, but I’ve made similarly stupid decisions before.  So now I have to figure out how this is all going to work.

I really don’t need to bind so that’s not a huge issue, especially now that the weather’s cooling down.  Packing is one of the bigger problems, having a phallic object that isn’t hard would be slightly odd so I need to find a place to put it when it’s not in my pants (the dildos, on the other hand, can stay out in the open).  My stupid ovaries still haven’t shut down (getting that checked out soon) so I need a safe place to hide away the “week from hell” supplies.  Just about everyone I know knows that I have a “testosterone deficiency” (my go-to excuse) so injection equipment isn’t too big of a problem.  Mostly it’s just the stuff involving areas below the waist.

It’s frustrating.  If I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.  Hell, if I wasn’t trans there’d be a small chance of my getting laid.  That’d be nice.  Instead I have to “visitor-proof” my flat simply because I want to help out a friend.  It’s stupid and I can’t stand it.  I know, I could just be out and then everyone would know.  I’ve done that.  At that point I didn’t have friends I could help out.  No one wants to include the tranny in the gay men’s circle, we’re meant to hang out with the lesbians.  Thank you so much transmen who insist they still belong in the lesbian community.  You’ve really made my life better here.  [/sarcasm]  That, however, is a rant for another day.