Not Another Aiden

Often when trans people look for advice on dealing with internalized transphobia, we find a definition and are told to find a therapist.  Not finding this helpful for most trans people, I would like to offer an alternative.  Rather than focus on the definition of transphobia, I would like to concentrate on the individual beliefs, or myths, that comprise transphobia, particularly for gay FTMs.  Myths shape our thought processes because they are usually firmly held,  taught to us at a young age and are repeatedly reinforced by the culture we live in.   While you may have come to terms with being trans and have started transitioning, you may still have these myths in place that serve to diminish your self-esteem and self-worth.

The following is a cognitive-based approach that I learned in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and has proven useful for me in combating inner myths that mirrored transphobic cultural ideas.  Myths are not universal.  Some of the myths that resonate with me will resonate strongly with you, some will not at all.  Disregard the ones that don’t apply to you and address the ones that strike a chord, as these myths are the probably the root of your self-hate.  My list of myths about being an effeminate gay trans man is very personal, as these are the ideas that shaped how I saw and judged myself during the first few years of transition.   I’m sure that you can think of myths that didn’t occur to me or don’t apply to me, so I encourage you to do this in addition to the following exercise.

The next step involves rewriting your personal myths so that you can start to pick them apart and eventually make your personal belief system more positive.  When you rewrite a myth, it can be anything from subtle change of one word to a complete reorganization of the idea.  A rewrite should challenge the original myth and be personal.  I cannot rewrite myths for you, although I will provide examples of rewrites that resonate with me.   Why?  This is about you and how you see yourself.  Only you can change this and hopefully you can start here.

Myth #1
My lack of a penis means I’m not really a man.

My rewrites:
My lack of a penis means that I’m not a typical man.
My lack of a penis has no bearing on my manhood.
My lack of a penis is not my fault.

Myth #2:
I’m only pretending to be a boy.

My rewrites:
I’m not pretending to be anything.
I’m being true to myself.

Myth #3
I’m not a real FTM transsexual because I’m too feminine.

My rewrites:
FTM transsexuals come in many varieties and I happen to come in the fey, gay and fabulous variety.
My inner sense of being male has no relation to my feminine gender expression.

Myth #4
My attraction to men means I’m not a real FTM.

My rewrites:
My attraction to men has nothing to do my gender.
FTMs can be attracted to anyone.

I encourage you to start with these three and see if you can come up with rewrites that resonate with you.  Below you will find more myths that I compiled in a list for you to start tackling.  Remember these are personal myths, so there there are no right or wrong ways to rewrite a myth.

•    I’m not a real gay man because I was born female.
•    I’m just really confused and other people probably know better.
•    I must not be a real FTM because I used to wear dresses.
•    I like to have sex with my front hole so I must not be a real FTM.
•    I’m a freak and don’t deserved to be loved.
•    If I could just try harder I would be happier with my assigned sex.
•    I must be defective.
•    I’m too pretty to be an FTM.
•    I’m a fag hag, not a fag.
•    When people call me “she” it means they know the real truth.
•    Being trans is a choice and my decision to take hormones and have surgery means I’m weak.
•    I’m reinforcing the gender binary by transitioning.
•    Transitioning is radical and must be done only as a last resort.
•    No one will want to date me.
•    I’m betraying women by transitioning.
•    I’m disgusting.
•    I’m buying into the patriarchy by transitioning.
•    I’m short and nobody likes short men.
•    I have to butch up in order to be a proper FTM.
•    I’ll never truly know what it’s like to be a man.
•    I’m FTM so I must like girls.
•    I’m not a real FTM transsexual if I don’t get bottom surgery.
•    My personality will change on hormones and I will become a different person.
•    All of my problems stem from my transsexuality.
•    I will never be happy.
•    I will always be considered a freak.
•    I’m never mistaken for a boy, so I must not be a real transsexual.
•    To be a successful FTM transsexual, I must pass at all times.

Now the rest is up to you.  Rewrite as many or as few as you need to.

Please note: I am not a psychologist, a therapist or a mental health counselor.  My only qualifications include 10 years of therapy, 6 years of transition, an obsession with psychology and a sincere desire to help my fellow trans sisters and brothers come to terms with their genders.  If this is not helpful, please let me know.  If it is very helpful, please let me know.  I am open to all suggestions, comments and concerns, as this is the first time I have attempted this.

Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.  Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.  He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.

1.  Get comfortable with the idea of gay sex.

Many FTMs date women at first because they assume that they must like women if they are a man, but this is not true at all.  If you are interested in dating men or already do, then start calling yourself gay and get used to the idea.  This is important because being a gay man is frowned upon, and announcing that you are going to transition to a gay man takes most people aback.  Most will not understand this, but that’s okay because you’ve found this website and a good portion of transmen are gay.  You are not alone.

As a big part of this, you will have to overcome internalized homophobia in addition to internalized transphobia, so talking about your sexuality is just as important as talking about your gender (which I’m sure you do all the time ).  You must unlearn many of the ideas you subconsciously have about gay men and gay sex, which is not easy.  You might have some sexual repression.  You might feel shame when you call yourself gay.  It may feel really uncomfortable.  You need a gay and trans positive person to talk to about this.  Don’t ignore it and assume that accepting your transsexuality means that you are okay with being gay as well.

If you’ve never had sex with another man and would like to, but are scared, you may just need to do some research.  This could be as simple as making out with a guy (preferably gay), watching gay porn, or making some gay male friends and asking them some questions at the risk of sounding dumb or silly.  Explore.

Your outside bits grow and become super sensitive.  Thinking about sex makes you hot and bothered.  Visual imagery has more of an impact.  Smells drive you wild.  Sometimes, sex will be the only thing on your mind and you can’t escape it.  Find a hot video (Gayup.org/ is my favorite stop) and enjoy yourself.  Repeat if necessary.  All men go through this period of their lives but usually around age 15, so other people might really start to wonder what’s going on even if you haven’t told them yet.  Once you get a hold on your libido and what gets you off, start to assess your level of readiness for the dating scene.

4.  Dating (and passing as a gay man).

I hate to stereotype gay men in general, but it is a well-known fact that gay men are superficial .  When cruising or socializing you will most likely be judged on the way you looked (as previously female, you’ve probably already experienced this).  However, you may have taken care before to not look too put together in order to look less female, but now you need to reverse this in order achieve your fullest dating potential.  Take care of yourself – eat good food, exercise, and quit smoking.

Regarding the acquisition of a special friend, testosterone will determine when you start passing consistently, but there are some things you can do to increase your chances of being seen as a gay man.  If you around other gay men, being open about your sexuality is a good start (especially, if you don’t pass that well yet) – make sure they know you’re gay.   Flirt.   Go dancing.  Make out.   (Don’t do the drugs!).  USE CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously.

5.  Disclosure

When you find someone you like and who may like you, you need to figure out when and how to tell him that you are trans.  This is a sensitive and complex subject that cannot be discussed in full in this context, but I wanted to mention it because your safety is important.  Give this a lot of thought and do not assume that he won’t be okay with it.  But also expect that some men will not only not be okay with your transness but they will be quite cruel about it.  Do not let other people determine your self-worth.  Stay safe and have fun!

Kian has been living as a gay transman for most of his 20s.  Nerdy, quirky and fey, he often spends his time thinking and writing about gay and trans politics.  He loves to learn and cook and looks for hairy men who do the same.

Requisite disclaimer: All opinions expressed in guest posts are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of NotAiden.

I know a number of guys who’ve made coming out/starting physical transition parts of their New Year’s resolutions in the past, so I figure I’ll throw out a few things for anyone who’s considering it for 2010.

1. Breathe.  No, seriously.  Breathe.  If you’re scared, you’ll get through this.  We’re all a bit scared at first.  It gets easier with time.  If you’re too excited to speak, you’re going to get very annoying very quickly.  I know, it’s a big deal and you’re thrilled about getting to be yourself.  It’s still no fun to talk to someone who only ever goes on about one thing.
2. Continue your old hobbies.  This ties into the not driving everyone insane.  If all of a sudden you start forgoing your weekly scrapbooking and gossip marathon with your best friend in favour of hanging out with your new trans friends then you don’t get to complain when your old friend ditches you.  Why?  Because you ditched them first.  It’s great to have trans friends, particularly early on when everything’s shiny and new.  There’s a balance though, don’t give up everything you used to like just because now you’re transitioning.
3. Fuck passing.  I’m not kidding.  Fuck those stupid lists of things you “should” do in order to look like a guy.  They don’t work for everyone, they don’t even work for most people.  Passing is a combination of individual genetics, appearing comfortable in whatever you’re wearing, and putting together a cohesive look.  Pick whatever guy clothes you like, even if they’re on the nelly side.  Hell, pick out a few basic things from the women’s section if that’s what you want.  Skinny jeans look about the same no matter where they come from (just remember to pack).  Whatever you wear, make sure it matches (no pink glitter shirts with grunge metal jeans) and be confident.  People are far less likely to question you if you act like you belong.
4. Keep your style.  This goes in with the above.  Don’t sacrifice your personal style for anything.  For that matter, don’t sacrifice any of yourself.  The entire point of transition is to be yourself, there’s no use in bothering with it if you’re just trading one set of uncomfortable mannerisms for another.  Do you like to watch HGTV?  Then watch HGTV.  No one cares.
5. Men are not wild animals.  I cannot begin to express just how annoyed I get by all the “don’t smile” and “don’t make eye contact” passing tips.  Honestly?  Most guys are nice enough.  Most guys aren’t going to just randomly start beating you if you do something socially unacceptable (for the most part, I don’t suggest grabbing a stranger’s crotch or anything).  You might get a funny look, but really guys are like any other people.  Just usually taller and hairier.  So smile.  It makes your face look better.

…unless you don’t like your family.  I really don’t.  Long history of dysfunction.  So I don’t go back.  It’s better for my mental health.  For anyone who is concerned about their family disowning them: it’s not always the worst thing in the world.

Sometimes it is.  Sometimes you otherwise like your family and being abandoned by them hurts.  Generally though, the people who get along with their relatives don’t have to worry about being disowned by them.  It may take time for them to come around, but for the most part they adjust.

For those of us who don’t get along with our relatives anyway, being disowned can actually be something of a relief.  It still hurts to a certain extent, no one really wants to believe that their family can just toss them away so easily, but it’s easier than if we’d always gotten along.  I no longer have to worry about what kind of drama my mother is going to create.  I don’t have to watch what I say because the wrong word might set off my father.  It’s nice.

One major tip though: create your own family.  If you don’t go ‘home’ for the holidays and don’t have anything else to do life can get pretty depressing.  Find friends who aren’t seeing their relatives for whatever reason and put together an orphan’s dinner and/or gift exchange.  Become one of the regular Christmas Eve volunteers at the local soup kitchen.  See if your synagogue is doing anything for singles during Hanukkah.  Adopt a friend’s family as your own (I’ve been doing this since I was nine).  Just don’t sit around by yourself while everyone else is being cheery.

Unless, of course, being alone makes you happier.  Then you can just disregard everything I said

Learn to sew.  Or find a friend who knows how and either pay them or trade skills.

How do I know this?  I recently had a friend teach me to sew.  Before I’d trade off dinners for clothes, but he’s moving so I’m going to have to learn to fend for myself.  Tonight I finished up my first ever ‘collection’ and I’m absolutely in love.  Shirts, trousers, a coat, and two suits all custom fit so they look great on me.  No collars that are too big, no hems that need to be taken up, none of the irritating bunching that comes from being 9″ shorter than the average guy, just clothes that fit exactly how they’re meant to.  It’s amazing.

It’s also cheaper than buying the same clothes off the rack.  Certainly cheaper than buying them and having them altered.  Takes some time and skill (you’ll fight with your first few collars and zippers for days), but the end result is well worth it.  If you have cash to spare you can also hire someone to do the work for you, but they’re more expensive and tend to have a ‘vision’ that you have to deal with.  If you’re a broke 20-something like myself it’s easier to just learn to sew.