Not Another Aiden

…a few search terms from the past couple of days need addressed.

Is it ok to hit a transman? No.  It’s not ok to hit ANYONE.  Stop being an asshole.  Unless he’s being an asshole and hitting/trying to hit you.  In which case I’m all for self defence.

Where can a gay FtM get laid? Depends on the area, mate.  Some guys can go into bath houses with no problems, other guys  live in areas where being trans is like the kiss of death.  If there are other gay trans guys in the area ask them.  If there aren’t…test places out.

How do I come out as a girlfag? I have no fucking clue what this even means so I’m guessing I can’t help you much.  Basically if it has “girl” in the name, you’re probably not going to find it here.

Can a FtM really fuck a woman? How the hell would I know?  I’m guessing yes, but that’s just because people keep telling me they can. Go ask an FtM who fucks women.

Do gay trans men hate women? No.  Not any of the guys I know, anyway.  We just aren’t women and don’t want to sleep with women.  Like any other guy, we do have the potential to be misogynistic.  I’m sure some guys are, I just haven’t met any of them.  Oddly enough, I’ve met straight trans guys who are.  Not sure why anyone dates them.

Are transmen more men than biomen? No.  We’re just as much of men as any other guy.  Some of us are still more boys than men, just like any other young guy.  We’re not magically special just because we came out.  (And a lot of people don’t like ‘bioman’ so you may want to switch to ‘cisman’ to make your life easier.)

I’m going to be honest, I don’t read many trans-specific websites.  In fact, I don’t think I read a single trans-specific anything if it’s not on Tumblr or LiveJournal.  I’m past that phase in my life and most of the people on trans-specific sites annoy the hell out of me.  Plus, I can’t keep my damned mouth shut when I should.  However, every now and then a post will so saturate the web that even I notice it.  Such is the case with the (relatively) recent editorial on Transguys.com.

We’ve all heard ‘lifestyle’ used in a negative context, generally in the form of religious leaders saying they can’t support trans* rights because they don’t approve of our ‘lifestyle’.  What we don’t generally think of is the more common usage of the word, one used to denote a particular set of common traits and beliefs.  If someone talks about their ‘bohemian lifestyle’ we immediately picture bare lofts in industrial squats, homes packed with artists, and few (if any) modern comforts.  I also picture Mark Cohen dancing on a table, but I’m kind of a geek.

Using that definition is there a ‘transgender lifestyle’?  I don’t think so.  There are so many different ways to be trans* that to me the idea of us all fitting under one nice heading (even one as large as ‘transgender’) is a bit absurd.  I am not the same as a genderqueer identified person.  I am not the same as a trans man who considers the ‘trans’ part of that to be central to his identity.  I’m not even the same as most gay (trans) men who could easily be thought of as straight.  We all have different needs, different comfort levels, different ways of approaching society.  Many trans people wish to challenge the gender binary and bring awareness of genderqueer and other-gendered identities.  I have no desire to do such a thing, in fact, I’m perfectly happy with my “man” box.  I simply wish more people would recognise that it’s my box to occupy.

The other term being considered is ‘culture’, a word that has a much more high-brow sound.  When people refer to culture it tends to be either in an academic sense or when speaking about such things as art and literature.  In that case, is there a transgender culture?  I would say there is, particularly considering the recent emergence of magazines, artwork, films, and books written by and for trans* people.  However, I feel it is important to note that not every trans* person has any interest in what could be considered trans* culture.  As I said before, I don’t read anything trans-specific these days.  If there’s a new biography out I might pick it up, but I’m far more likely to read the latest on Simon Doonan or Sir Elton John.

I see this in very much the same way I see ‘gay lifestyle’ and ‘gay culture’.  Many people (rightly) get upset when spoken to about their ‘gay lifestyle’.  There’s a certain connotation that none of us is all too thrilled with, it sounds like we try to “convert” little boys in between clubbing and obsessing at the gym.  ‘Gay culture’, on the other hand, brings to mind drag queens, pride parades, and rainbows.  Not everyone likes drag queens, but they are an integral part of gay history and early gay experiences.  Those who wish to have no connection to gay culture have every right to go about their lives ignoring it.  I know many of these people and in every case I can understand why they choose not to participate.  They relate to gay culture in the same way that I relate to trans* culture: it’s simply not something they need.  However, for those of us who didn’t have words to explain our interests, camp films and drag shows are incredibly affirming.

Seriously, people?  It’s been weeks now and you still feel the need to bitch at me on formspring because I’m not willing to shell out $20-100k on surgical options with results that don’t make me happy?  Do you not have anything better to do?

I have spoken to surgeons in over a dozen countries about every possible lower surgery option there is right now.  I have talked to surgeons you probably haven’t even heard of because they can’t find a transguy willing to be a guinea pig for their new surgical technique (honestly, it’s likely because they’re not all that different from the known procedures and have more risk).  I learned several different languages solely so I could speak to researchers.  I have spent the last decade of my life pouring over medical books and the latest research findings trying to guess at how long it’ll take before there’s a surgical technique I’m willing to try.  I’ve done enough research to have multiple job offers from surgeons and academics as soon as I have the formal education necessary to make it legal.  I know what I’m talking about when it comes to this.

I still refuse to go with any of the options I’ve heard of so far.  Why?  I don’t like them.  For me they’re not worth the money.  They’re not worth the potential complications.  They’re not worth the risk that I won’t be able to have another surgery when an option comes around that I actually want.  If you want to have one of the current surgeries then go for it.  It’s your body, you know what’ll make you comfortable.  Just stop telling me that I think your body is deformed.  Because I don’t.  I honestly couldn’t care less about your body, it’s not like I’m sleeping with you or something.  I simply have a different opinion when it comes to the current surgical options.

For those of you who still think I’m some asshole who thinks you have a frankenpenis or something: find a better use for your time.  Go help the homeless or get laid or something.  I’m just a guy with a blog.  I get an average of 50-100 hits a day, most of them from the same people.  I’m really not important enough to be yelling at.

For everyone else: sorry about this.  I’m just a little sick of getting home to an inbox full of expletives.

Because I’ve gotten more Google hits for “are women who date transmen lesbians?” in the past day than I have in the entire time this blog has been up.

Women who date transmen are whatever they identified as before they started dating.  If a straight women dates a transman then she’s still straight.  If a bisexual woman dates a transman then she’s still bisexual.  If a lesbian woman dates a transman then she’s still a lesbian, but her transguy partner and fellow lesbian friends may call her out on why that poses some problems.

Same goes for gay men.  Gay men who date transmen are still GAY.  The presence of a vagina does not change the fact that transmen are MEN.  Bisexual men are still bisexual.  Straight men have the same issues as lesbian women, their sexual identity directly conflicts with our gender identity.  The couple in question either has to accept that conflict or come up with new labels for themselves (or drop labels entirely).  Personally, I would not be comfortable dating a man who considered himself straight.  It would make me feel like I was being seen as a woman.  Luckily, that’s never been an issue.

So.  One last time.  Straight women who date transmen are straight.  Gay men who date transmen are gay.  Are we all clear now?

In other news: Apologies for how quiet it’s been around here.  Friend of mine is going through a rough patch and I’ve been busy keeping him distracted.

The GLB parts of the community are NOT the enemy. Most of them are simply uneducated about trans issues. They’re confused as to why you insist on telling them to educate themselves every time they try to ask an honest question. They’re irritated because you continue to treat them like they’re assholes when all they want to do is figure out why issue XYZ affects them too. The vast majority have never knowingly interacted with anyone on the trans* spectrum outside of a drag bar, let alone a full-fledged transexual or genderqueer. The few who have can’t wrap their heads around the 16 million different rules each individual person has. Can you blame them? I’ve been a part of this community for over four years now and I still don’t know what the hell’s going on. One day bioguy/biogirl is fine, the next it’s the most offensive thing in the world. How is anyone meant to keep up?

It’s time to stop expecting more from the GLB community than from everyone else. You don’t expect more from racial minorities or the physically disabled or intersexed (even though they likely have more in common) people, stop expecting more from those who just happen to also be queer. They don’t get it. It’s not their fault, they just happen to have been born with bodies that match their identities. You don’t always get being gay either, just look at all the transmen who are absolutely terrified that T will make them like men. For that matter, you don’t always understand other factions within your own community. Either it’s genderqueers telling transexuals that they play into the gender binary or transexuals telling genderqueers they’re too radical. Before you go whining about how those mean homos don’t understand you you need to stop the infighting amongst yourselves.

Yes, the T part of GLBT is often ignored. Yes, it’s hard to get your average GLB person to understand T issues. Yes, it’s about damned time the GLB community started recognising that they wouldn’t have a movement if it weren’t for transpeople. Anger isn’t the way to change any of that though. Simply yelling about “privilege” and “self education” doesn’t help anyone. It never has and it never will. It’s time to start making friends. Right now T is seen more as the weird kid that follows you around everywhere than a true friend. That’s part of why it’s so easy to toss aside the T issues when it comes time to make a decision. Friends aren’t as easy to ignore, especially not when their issues are also your own. Stop acting like the entire GLB community is the enemy and start working to make them better friends.