FAQ: Gay Men and Gay FtMs
Note: The title is because I can’t think of a better way of phrasing it that isn’t either ridiculously long or involve words that are either controversial (XY man, bioman, genetic male) or virtually unheard of outside of the trans community (cismen, cisgendered men).
Yes, guy in New York, there are gay men who will sleep with transmen. They’re few and far between, but they exist.
There are, however, a few demographics that are more open to transmen than most. For example, just about every gay (trans)guy I know is a bear. Big, hairy leather daddy types. I don’t know why, but they’re always the first ones to find a boyfriend. Maybe it’s that bears are more open minded than, say, scene queens, I wouldn’t really know.
It also seems to help if you’re a bottom. I’m guessing this has to do with the focus being on your ass rather than your dick. Personally, I think being a top is more useful. It can be any size you want! (Yes, I have used this line. With mixed results…)
If you’re effeminate you tend to get two responses. A: I don’t do girly men (which you’d get even if you had a dick so don’t feel bad). B: Why’d you even transition if you were going to act like a girl anyway? The second irritates me more than the first, but those guys are jackasses who aren’t worth your time. Unfortunately, the world in general is pretty sissyphobic. It’s hard to find a guy if you’re an effeminate man with a penis, let alone without one. That said, I’ve seen it happen before so there is still hope.
If you’re effeminate and you like your guys effeminate you’re like me and I need you to comment or email because I’ve only ever met one other guy like me before and we need more friends. Neither of us have boyfriends though so I can’t really help you there. Effeminate guys tend to want guys who aren’t effeminate (like everyone else, sissyphobia runs deep) so a guy who’s effeminate and trans rarely stands a chance. Any stories to the contrary are welcome, if only to show my friend and I that it’s possible 
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Categories: FtM 101, gay life
Response B pisses me off to no extent. There’s this dance I want to learn…and I showed this guy I was talking to. He knows I’m trans [but we've never met face to face]. He was like “That’s gay. Why do you want to do that? You may as well stay a girl if you’re going to sashay around like one.” I pointed out the fact that if he were so macho he wouldn’t have just used the word “sashay.” But eh. You just have to ignore them.
I’m sort of effeminate. It’s more so my voice and little habits…like switching outfits 48936284732465328064 times then ended up wearing the first one. I’m still sort of struggling with it though, but that has more to do with my situation. As for liking fem guys…I do. They’re so freaking cute it’s hilarious.
Don’t feel bad about not having boyfriends. I’ve never had one. Never been in a relationship period. Shit I dont think i’ve ever even had a guy like me. But then again i’m only 18.
Anyway..I just randomly stumbled upon your blog..and now I’m sort of stalker reading it. So if you get more comments from me..sorry to seem weird.
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I’ve actually dated a couple of guys before, it’s just that most of them can’t handle the whole trans thing. Either they freaked out over being seen as straight (T hasn’t helped my passing ability much) or they can’t deal with the reality of a transguy’s body. I get it because I have those issues too, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier to accept.
I hate, hate, HATE the “should’ve just stayed a girl” responses. There are very few ways to piss me off more than saying that. Luckily, that’s also an easy way to weed out the jackasses I wouldn’t want to be around anyway.
I’ve found that most gay guys are ok with being friends with a transguy, but not dating us. I have a great group of friends from various gay men’s/GLBT groups in the area, but once they find out I’m trans that’s all they’re willing to be. It gets frustrating, especially since so many of the overnight events are basically excuses for everyone to hook up.
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cheers for femme ftms! you can email me to chat if ya want. us femmey boys need to stick together.
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Hey Kai, welcome to the blog!
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Just testing nested comments. Ignore this.
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Well, I just wanted to say, I’m so glad to find out that there are people who feel some of the same things I do.
I can’t tell you how long I’ve been suppressing this. I’m fairly open-minded when it comes to the sexuality of my friends, but I’ve been very slow about facing up to my own. With the result that I’ve pretty much been asexual my whole life.
Realizing that there ARE other people out there like me has been a real eye-opener for me. I’m still very much in a discovery phase, but hopefully I can learn something by reading your blog.
I’ve been thinking about trying to introduce myself to the glbt community in my area, but stark terror has pretty much dissuaded me so far.
Maybe this will be the week when I get up the guts to stop isolating myself.
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Welcome to the blog, glad to know I could help!
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Hi, I’m an effeminate guy who is into effeminate guys, too. I’m also a top. Most of the gay ftm I know who have transitioned have been dating gay cis guys within days, and many have boyfriends now. I even dated some gay guys pre-transition. I don’t know where the rumour comes from that gay guys don’t date ftm. There are some idiots around, and some have serious problems with their self image (am I really gay, bla), but otherwise, there are many who don’t seem to have a problem or even find ftm super cute.
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I think this may be a location thing. Where I am now NO ONE will date a transguy. Men, women, straight, gay. We’re like social pariahs. I’ve yet to meet a transguy in my area who’s had a date after coming out to someone, it’s sad.
Where I lived before was decent. I had a few dates, a few hook ups, most ended because we were generally incompatible. I also had a few serious let downs (including many “you’re not a real man” responses), but it was better than where I am now.
Before that was kind of mixed. All the straight transguys I knew were fine, but none of the gay transguys could find anyone to date other than other transguys. I wouldn’t have minded that, but I wasn’t really interested in any of them as anything other than friends.
Where I grew up was a different situation all together. The guys I had known forever had no issues dating me, most of them were just waiting for a confirmation on whether I was a guy or a girl to ask. Some of the guys I met after coming out were fine, others weren’t. It leaned towards no more often than not, but there wasn’t nearly the backlash I’ve gotten in other places. It’s the only place I’ve lived where I haven’t gotten either the “You’re not a real man” or “Stop trying to convert gay men and go back to being a good faghag” responses.
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I guess the question, then, is where you guys have found success and where not. I’m a semi-femme ftm myself. I have two gay cisgen friends who are interested in me romantically. I dated one for about a year but couldn’t return his feelings. His, on the other hand, never flagged. And he’s not even bi. I also have a gay cisgen friend who I have a mutual loving relationship with, but his arousal is simply irreconcilably linked to standard penis. I have casual sex relations with a pansexual. Right now I’m developing feelings for another cisgen gay guy and starting to freak out about how he’ll react. But it’s obvious there are no absolutes. All of the aforementioned are from different parts of the globe: Canada, Belgium, Britain, Florida…
On an unrelated note, the title of the blog cracks me up. When my straight cisgen brother mentioned he liked that name he couldn’t figure out why I burst out laughing.
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I should ad that I did have a bad rejection about a year ago from a local guy here in california. Claimed to be still interested then turned around and two timed me. But, as I said, there’s no one type. Sexuality, like gender, is a wide spectrum.
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Depends on who you are and what you’re looking for. I’ve yet to meet a masculine transguy who’s had the same trouble finding a guy as the effeminate guys I know. The effeminate guys who like their men masculine have far less trouble than the guys who like their men effeminate.
It’s not really a trans-specific problem because I know cisguys who have the same issue. Being trans just makes it a bit more complicated because once you find a guy you like who also likes you you have to deal with the possibility of transphobia.
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ah, now I get you. It’s true that many cis gay men I know who are effeminate have a harder time dating. Also, the effeminate guys often are into butch guys.
That said, I still belive that in larger communities that have a strong gay and transsexual tradition, where people don’t feel overwhelmed by the topic, dating is ok. I also know a bunch of gay ftm, transitioned and otherwise, who have dated on gay online communities, and have found long term relationsships.
for me, it was always harder to get over my own disphoria than to get over the guys disphoria.
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I’m a cisgender gay male. The only FTM guy I’ve ever had the hots for calls himself a “trannyfag” and is an effeminate gay man. I’m not the butchest myself.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to date a bear – whether cisgender or trans. Just not my cup of tea.
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Holy crap, I have cisguys reading this? Awesome.
I know gay cisguys who date effeminate, gay transguys exist, you just seem to be unfortunately rare. I’d be more startled by it, but like I said to JL, my cisgendered, effeminate, gay male friends have the same problem without the transphobic aspect.
I sometimes wonder if it’s a uniquely US problem. I haven’t travelled as much as I’d like so I can only really compare to Paris and London. I experienced fewer problems with homophobia, transphobia, and sissyphobia in those cities than anywhere in the US (including San Francisco, LA, and NYC), but it’s entirely possible I just happened to have a good couple of years.
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Yeah, you do have cis gay guys who read this. This one would date an effeminate FTM. Bears don’t do a thing for me either.
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So where exactly are all you guys hiding? =P
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Not exactly hiding. Dating anyone just hasn’t been a high priority until only recently. The idea of “chasing” a type as you mention below is a bit creepy. I got an object lesson in this recently. A guy on a social networking site thought I was FTM and when it turned out that I wasn’t he seemed a bit disappointed.
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Ah, I know the feeling. I only recently started staying in one place long enough to have more than casual hook ups, before that I was in a different city (often a different country) every month or two. Even now, this is the first time I’ve been in one place longer than a year since high school.
Chasers are…weird. Some guys have no problems with them, a few even welcome the attention. I’m not one of those guys. Mostly because the ones I’ve met have either been creepy beyond the chaser aspect, but also because they’re interested in a physical aspect of me that I would remove if given the opportunity. Not in a good way either, it’s not like they’re interested in my personality, but also think the random curl of hair that always flops on my forehead is cute or something. Most chasers are willing to date anyone as long as they’re a transguy. That freaks me out a little.
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Hey another cis guy here who would definitely be interested in dating an effeminate ftm, im not big on bears or jocks. I consider myself very metrosexual with a hint of effeminance if thats a word lol, well let me know if you ever want to chat
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xD Me too. Gay, and effeminate… Actually, I have a boyfriend. I haven’t had any problems. I’d like to be slightly more manly, but that’s mostly in looks, I don’t plan on acting any different, and there’s no reason for me to.
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seems hard to find effiminate ftm, where are all you hiding lol?
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We are rather difficult to find, I’ll grant you that. Biggest thing is that if you’re specifically seeking out a transguy (particularly an effeminate transguy) you’re not likely to get anywhere. There’s a pretty intense fear of fetishisation within nearly all segments of the trans community. I can’t say I’m entirely immune.
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i was more just makin a silly rhetoric to ur comment, “So where exactly are all you guys hiding? =P” I seek effeminate men whether cisgendered or transgendered,
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I had a hunch. It’s just a topic that comes up often enough in other places that I figured I’d answer for any random wanderers.
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I think we all have a fear though in dating, whether it be that we are being fetishized or the even bigger fear of rejection, so its understandable. Though I have noticed that many ftm guys complain they cant find a guy to date but then when a guy openly says they like ftms then that guy is shunned as being a chaser or somethin, i view it as some guys like blondes some guys like effeminate men, some guys might like ftm, i personally have a wide selection of what i like lol, but it is a little scary to talk to an ftm guy cuz the rejection seems higher cuz they think u are fetishizing them when actually you are just tryin to get to know them just like any person you might be interested in regardless of gender, sorry for the ramble lol. i worked in a gay bar for awhile and seen my fair share of things lol.
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Lol, I know that at least for me the fear comes from two places. First off, there are some seriously creepy guys who specifically look to date transmen. I’ve had experiences with everyone from the guy who thought it’d be a fun date idea to make a pants stuffer together to the one who was fine…until I started looking older than 12. Have a couple of those experiences and you start thinking everyone who’s into transguys must have something seriously wrong with them.
Then there’s the whole dysphoria issue. To me the only thing that makes me different from non-trans guys is the lack of a Y chromosome (and the accompanying physical attributes). I dislike missing that part of myself so the idea of someone actively seeking me (or guys like me) out for that which I lack is…confusing, at best.
I’m sure there’s some aspect of yourself that you’re not a huge fan of, whether it’s a cow lick that just won’t go away or the colour of your eyes or how your big toe is slightly shorter than the one next to it. Imagine someone wanting to date you because of that part of yourself, the part that you hate on your worst days and try to ignore on your best days. Then multiply that by ten. That’s about how I feel when guys tell me they love dating transguys.
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the guys who seem to be into ftm because they look *very* young creep me out too.
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well to be honest id be flattered if somone liked me because of something that I was not a big fan of, itd make me feel more confidnet about myself. Its funny what really attracts me to some people in the long term relationships are the lil flaws they have like a mole on their back, or hair on their butt lol like it becomes endearing.weird huh?
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I think it’s just that we see things in two very different ways. Let’s say you have a birthmark under your eye. A guy is interested in you and also happens to like that birthmark under your eye. Then you find out that there’s a whole group of birthmark under the eye guys he’s dated — in fact, he’s never dated anyone who didn’t have a birthmark under their eye. Ok, that might be a little creepy, but maybe he likes birthmarks the same way I like blonds. One day you go to the doctor and find out you should have the birthmark removed because it might be cancerous. Instead of being worried about your health, the guy flips out and starts going on about how he isn’t sure he can still be attracted to you because you won’t be the same person.
That’s rather what tends to happen with chasers. I’ve tried giving a couple the benefit of the doubt before, especially when I was deep into my “no one will ever like me” post-coming out depression. They all end up not actually being interested in me, only the fact that I’m a transguy. I’m not like every other transguy in the world, in fact, I’m pretty different from most of them. The idea of dating someone who is only interested because I’m trans is not all that appealing to me.
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i’d be ok if the guy likes/doesn’t mind that I’m trans but I’d not be ok if he’d be into the remains of female that I have. But that’s just me.
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Well a guy only interested in you because you are trans is definitely not worth your time. My viewpoint is more like if you have the birthmark under the eye lol and i was into that then thatd be my initial attraction to you but then ur personality and other attributes would be what would make me fall for you. make sense? so if i like an effinate man who happens to be ftm thatd all just be the initial attraction, the thing that would keep me around would be the person themselves not the physical initial attraction.
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Yeah, guys like you have a no problem with. It’s the other type of guy that I’m wary of. Problem is, so many transguys hear “have dated transmen” and automatically assume the guy’s a chaser. I’ve done it a few times before catching myself. It’s a bit of a self preservation instinct after a few bad experiences, but it also means that you end up missing out on some really great guys.
That’s actually part of why I prefer being stealth. The number of creepy guys drops quite a bit and I don’t have to worry about the subconscious aspect until after I’ve decided whether or not I’m interested enough to risk telling someone.
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I guess I just always leave my options open and even if i have to date a few creepos itd be worth it if I found one special guy. But I understand where you are coming from, we all tend to stereotype people whether we mean to or not.
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